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Entries in Advice (12)

Tuesday
24Nov2009

Applying the Fantasy Football Scoring Method to Relationships

The Waltdog had a huge fantasy win this past week.  My team showed up to play.  Every week from here on out is a must win, essentially every game has playoff implications.  I have a few phone calls into Jason Witten, for him to get his fantasy head out of his make believe ass.  He hasn’t scored a touchdown since week 16 of last year.  Freaking pussy!  Doesn’t he know my league title hangs in the balance?  It is playoff time bitches! 

Up next is my buddy Easy-E and his team of slackers.  He becomes my enemy this week.   

I am the reigning champ our Fantasy Football Keeper League.  I have the trophy to prove it.  (My name isn’t on it yet, because I am lazy.)  That means every team in our league gets up every week to play me.  I have the proverbial target on my back. 

Everyone wants to knock the king off of his porch.

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Wednesday
23Sep2009

Humor and fresh breath is the Key to Blog Success

There is one thing that I never understood about television commercials.  Why do advertising companies make serious commercial?  There should be a law that makes all television commercials funny.  It would stop wasting everyone’s time and we would actually not have to flip channels to avoid commercials. 

I know as soon as I see a serious television ad, I reach for the remote. 

Doctor’s always say laughter is the best medicine.  So why not show a commercial about a certain cancer drug showing a cancer patient that has lost his hair go into a party and get ripped on by his friend.  “What’s with the Teddy Savalis look, Frank?”

Then the next commercial could be him wig shopping and trying on all kinds of crazy wigs.  I would crack up at that, and maybe learn something in the process. 

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Tuesday
15Sep2009

The Art of French Kissing

   

 

Good morning to all.  It is a glorious Monday morning in Philadelphia.  I rolled the windows down in my 2000 GMC Jimmy (it is a two door with no four wheel drive, what a piece of crap) and let the wind blow through my graying hair.  It was stupendous. 

Who am I kidding, Monday’s freaking blow.  The air in Philadelphia smells like a mixture of toxic gas, exhaust and body odor.  The only reason I had the car window’s down is if I use the air conditioner in the Jimmy I can only drive 28 miles an hour without the car shaking uncontrollably and having to stop for gasoline ever four miles. 

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Tuesday
04Aug2009

How to Improve the Workday

All of us travel to work each and every day with one distinct thought in mind – Work blows.

That pretty much sums everything up. Work does blow. You can enjoy what you do for a living and you can most certainly enjoy the people around you. That is a blessing. Not everyone is in that predicament. Most people hate what they do and, more importantly, hate the people that they work with and for.

I actually like what I do and I like the people around me. There are a few people I could do without, but that happens everywhere. Douche bags are unavoidable.

Even if that is the case, there are still other things I would rather be doing. That goes for all of us. Who wants to be at work? If you do you are an idiot.

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Thursday
30Jul2009

How to Win Any Argument

Good Morning peeps and peepettes! My son got his first haircut this past weekend, he was hysterical. The barber had to bribe him with a lollipop, just to sit still. This was also his first encounter with a lollipop.

He studied the lollipop curiously, trying to figure out what to do with the thing. He stared at it, and then finally figured it out. His face was one of pure elation. It was priceless.

He couldn’t figure out how to get his hand out of the barber robe thingy, which kept forcing him to drop the lollipop on the ground. She had to go through about 8 lollipops just to get him finished up.

He looks awesome.

 

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