The Art of Taking a Dump in a Crowded House…AWKWARD
Saturday, September 11, 2010 at 1:50PM 
The Waltdog is down the shore on vacation. My bosses at Waltsense told me it was mandatory to write a blog this week because our stats are slumping. We went from eight views a day down to six views so we need to feed the masses.
I have not watched the news, nor have I read the internet so I have no freaking idea what is going on in the world. We could be under communist rule for all I know.
Walt does look good in a big fury Russian hat.
The reason I am telling you all this is I didn’t have the best topics to blog about. The only thing I could think about (and the only thing I was really concentrating on all week) was being able to take a great dump in a peaceful environment.
I love my in-laws and I am totally comfortable around them, so disappearing for 30-40 minutes is no real problem for me. They know exactly where I am. But I am still conscience of the fact.
They can follow the garbage smelling fumes to the downstairs bathroom. Dead flies litter the hallway after I am done unleashing fury on the toilet.
My eyes are blood shot and my legs are numb for sitting with my elbows pressed into my thighs as I force out a corn infused turd from my inner most bowels.
It does get me thinking about what if I was really uncomfortable? I don’t remember a time when I was but I am sure there was a time. What would I do though?
I know exactly what I would have to do. Here is a recipe for taking a great dump daily when you travel with people you are uncomfortable even farting around (let alone leaving poop streaks down a white porcelain toilet bowl.)
These are essential for survival. I can tell you this first hand, if you don’t poop when you have to go poop you will wind up constipated for a week.
1) Pack air freshener – You would think this was a no-brainer but people often forget the simplest rule; one must leave the bathroom smelling like an ocean breeze is trying to cover up one’s poopy-farts. It is an admirable attempt and people will thank you for it. (Lighting a match does not work.)
People will sit down at the very last minute as their eyes are turning brown from the backed up poop is filling their whole body.
They will run to the farthest bathroom to avoid being caught and unleash hell upon the earth. When they are done and they catch their breath. They let out a relief SIGH and they begin to relax a little, then the smell catches up to them and they begin to look around in sheer horror for something to cover up the rotten, ape testicle smell they left behind.
All that is in the bathroom is some nice soap, some hand towels and old tooth paste. They the person begins to sweat profusely which only makes it look like they dipped their head in the toilet to find some long lost treasure; making the trip to the bathroom even worse.
So the person turns on the fan and stands in the bathroom for an extra 5-10 minutes until the shitty smell dissipates. It may be the most uncomfortable 5-10 minutes. You find yourself counting tiles, reading the old toothpaste ingredients, etc.
Just bring air freshener and be done in no time!
2) Check out the bathroom situation – This should be done within the first 10-15 minutes upon arrival. Make sure there is a bathroom far away from where people are going to congregate each evening or afternoon. Park your stuff in the room closets to this bathroom. If you are gone for 30 minutes you could always act like you are brushing your teeth or washing up. You can even say you had a phone call you were making in the bedroom. People will believe anything. No one wants to imagine you pooping.
3) Make sure the toilet flushes – this has happened to Walt more than once. It is the worst feeling in the world. Now I walk into a bathroom and flush first. If there is even a hint of a week flushing toilet I will wait until I find another bathroom.
4) Wait it out - If you cannot go in a crowded house, wait until everyone is headed to the beach, or wait until everyone falls asleep. There is only one problem with waiting until everyone falls asleep. You are most likely not alone. There is a strong chance of an encounter at 3AM because someone else is holding a poop in as well. You let it go, wash up and open the door and find your aunt tip-toeing down the hallway towards you and the bathroom smells like an army latrine dipped in cow dung. You are better off finding out the daily routine and marking your territory when people are 100% out of the house.
5) Hide reading material – This is an essential. Pack a large plastic (water proof) bag and put some Sports Illustrated in it and hide them in the tank of the toilet. You don’t want to be entering or leaving the bathroom with reading material tucked under your arms; it is embarrassing.
6) Turn on the sink while you are dumping – this gives instant creditability for staying in the bathroom longer, just in case someone does a drive-by on the bathroom you are occupying and checking up on you. 
7) Time your poop with your shower schedule – You can be in there for an hour and no one will question you. Plus the smell will 100% be gone by the time you are done showering up.
8) Pack a plunger. Enough said.
9) Time your bathroom break – for directly after your significant other gets done. That way if someone else is waiting for the bathroom, you can blame it on him/her.
Here is an example: Mary and John are happily married and they are staying a week down the beach with Mary’s parents and siblings. Mary goes tinkle in the bathroom and John waits outside; pinching his butt cheeks together.
Mary gets done and John hops into the bathroom and he can barely get his pants unbutton before the poop juice flows down his leg. He sits down and realizes that a raccoon has crawl up and died in his lower intestine.
That can be the only explanation for the smell in the bathroom.
John looks down and notices a pair of feet waiting at the base of the bathroom door. No need to worry there John! Just flush, wash up and open the door. Wave your hand in front of your face and say that Mary left you a present. Tell her to wait until Mary’s stench is gone and explain to your mother-in-law (who is waiting patiently in the hallway) that Mary has a case of diarrhea from the crab dip she ate for lunch.
10) Avoid beans and anything fried or covered in hot sauce. Trust me…
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God Bless America and always remember 9/11!
Humor Family 
Reader Comments (6)
That is freaking hilarious. I brought this up to my girlfriend who is sitting right next to me and we have used almost every one of those strategies. The one I use the most is blaming it on someone else.... like if I know I have to take the Cosby kids to the swimming pool, I will open the door to the bathroom and will make it a point to say real loud, "ahh man this is gonna suck!!! Someone pooped something deadly in here!!!" Speaking of poop, I hate those turds that feel like they have knives on the side as they are being pushed out.
Hilarious post!
I referenced your comment that you left on my entry, "Rick The Mullet Man Suave's Brother, Rootbeer" in my latest entry. I hope this is ok with you. I figure it will be, because I referred to your site as being hilarious and hyperlinked it. :)
this is great reference material. I am a teacher and will be using these points to teach my children and proper etiquette for bathroom behavior. Awesome!
I laughed until I literally cried. GREAT post!!
Someone should invent a tiny 'plop, plop, oh what a relief it is' tablet that is an air freshener that you can drop on top of your 'pooplets' in the toilet to fiz away the smell...it would be easy to carry in your pocket when on trips.
I need to remember this. I'm that guy that waits till I walk funny of fear of unleashing in my pants.
What a funny post. Love the picture of the baby reading the paper!!
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