Russia Bans Vodka after 10PM
Sunday, August 22, 2010 at 9:04PM 
Walt got up friday morning and performed his normal morning ritual. I woke up told wifesense to zip her face shut and I climbed out of bed and got into the shower. Then I got out of the shower brushed my teeth and went downstairs.
I prepared myself a pitcher of extra dry, dirty martinis (shaken not stirred) with three olives.
After drinking the three martinis I did two shots of Absolute Citron and I was ready to face the world. I went back up stairs and woke my kids up from their slumber and quickly got them ready for school by putting their diapers on their heads and their shoes on their feet.
I handed the keys to my Honda to my 2.5 year old and off we went to daycare. He didn’t listen to my drunken driving instructions and we wound up in the neighbors pool again. That is the third time this month. My car smells like chlorine. That kid really needs to get the shit cleared out of his ears…
After we ran away from the cops and I knew we were in the clear I berated the 2.5 year old and grounded him until his was 18 then I threw up all over myself and looked at my watch. I was late for work, yet again!
I handed my 2.5 year old two tokens for the bus and handed him his younger brother and told him to take the bus to daycare.
I was off to work.
I got on another bus and woke up at the bus depot 3 hours later with the bus driver screaming at me and slapping me repeatedly. It turns out I shit myself again. That is a no-no on public transportation.
So it was a normal Friday commute for me.
Wait…then I realized – I was just dreaming that I was living in Russia.
Even though none of that happened my 2.5 year old is still grounded and I did fart out a turd on the bus ride in so I was only bending the truth of that story a little.
Listen to this little news tidbit:
Russia is to ban the sale of vodka in Moscow's shops after 10pm as part of the toughest anti-alcohol campaign since the collapse of the Soviet Union.
From the beginning of September, it will be illegal for the capital's supermarkets, shops and kiosks to sell vodka from 10pm to 10am. The ban will replace lax rules that theoretically forbid Moscow's shops from selling vodka from 11pm to 8am but which in practice allow them to sell vodka around the clock if they get a permit.
It comes as the Kremlin pushes ahead with the harshest anti-alcohol campaign since 1985 when Mikhail Gorbachev, the former Soviet president, decreed that vodka could be sold only from 2pm to 7pm. Mr Gorbachev became a hate figure among ordinary Russians because of the ban. Many turned to drinking perfume and other hazardous intoxicants and died as a result.
Here are a couple points from Walt’s point of view:
Russia sells vodka in kiosks? Are we talking like vending machines? That is pretty awesome. Imagine going into the break room. “Hmmm. What does Walt feel like for lunch today: Doritos, (nah), a Snickers bar, (maybe).” I continue to glance around the kiosk. “You know what? I am just going to get a bottle of Kettle One and call it a day!” The Russian don’t kid around boy. That brings me my next point.
I think if you turn to drinking perfume that you may just have a tiny drinking problem.
I am no expert and I have no medical background whatsoever. I do fancy myself a keen observer though. I am just throwing that out there. I wouldn’t know but you may want to check with your doctor before downing a bottle of CK One. It does serve it purpose though. No one at work would know you were drinking – it would have Vladimir thinking to himself out loud:
“Man, something is really different with Nikolai these days.” Vladimir turns to his co-worker, Olga
“Don’t you think Olga?” Olga just shakes her head in confusion.
“I can’t put my finger on it but when I talk to him now his breath doesn’t smell like rotten potatoes anymore now it smells like Chanel #19 and I love it!”
Olga shrugs her shoulders and takes a swig of her 3.4 ounce bottle of Drakkar Noir.
Russia is started to smell better people!!
Is the ban only for vodka? If so Jim Bean may want to vamp up its ad campaign in Russia and Walt has a perfect slogan “Jim Bean the other vodka! Get it 24/7 at Acme. Done and Done. They would raise profits 200 hundred fold. If that add campaign doesn’t work maybe this one will: Jim Bean, vodka’s dirty little cousin! It tastes way better than CK One!
Since it's Monday, let’s celebrate the week like it is Russia circa 1985 and start whacking anything with alcohol content in it.
Eye Candy for Cocaine Princess
Reader Comments (5)
Hey, I love vodka!
I always thought a kiosk were those silly little stand-alone store stands in the middle of a mall. Hell if I know...I had vodka tonite!
No, seriously, I did.
I really loved this marketing campaign line: Jim Bean, vodka’s dirty little cousin! It tastes way better than CK One!
I think you might be on to something there...perhaps they would give you a cut of their Russian profits. Sure, it would probably be some enormous sum in Rubles, like they do with Yen - "250,000 Rubles? I'm rich!" It probably turns out to be a dollar seventy-five, but still...it sure sounds impressive.
Russia is getting weak.. If the commies in charge read this article you may be nuked.
I thought this was a parody...I thought you made this vodka up. I mean, I really didn't think there'd be a vodka out there named "Effen"...so I just went to look. It exists!
Damn...that's an awesome name for a product. I'm a Grey Goose gal...but I'm going to buy it just because of the name.
Then I'm going to write a blog about it. Well, not "then" as in after...but while drinking it.
OMG I'm giggling!!!!!
Thank you!!!
P.S. Those slogans are pretty darn cheeky.
www.cocaineprincess.blogspot.com
Russia's gone soft. First the Fat Boys break up and now this.... What America needs is a good Cold War to unite us. Now that Russia is limp wristed, we have no real challenge. We''ve gone soft too.
Perhaps we need to start Jack Daniels kiosks.
You are on to something my friend.