It’s a Hard Knock Life
Tuesday, August 10, 2010 at 10:50AM 
I woke up this morning refreshed and renewed and I have no idea why. I got up whistling Dixie and I moseyed on downstairs to start the day. I popped open my computer to see if I missed anything from the night before.
I found this little nugget in my inbox from Lama – one of the distinct members of team waltsense: Should we do a survey what should Walt write about?
That is hysterical, what a bastard. There wasn’t a subject header or anything. Just a subtle dig at the waltdog!
My friends are notorious for this and that is why I hate them.
It really is a hard knock life for the waltdog. (Actually it really isn’t, I just feel like complaining about something, my life is nothing short of perfect).
Wifesense felt obligated to leave me alone with the kids this week. She always comes up with these lame excused to fly somewhere for work. For example: I am the keynote speaker at a conference, I am setting up an expo, and I found a Latin lover. Blah, Blah, Blah – day and night she talks so all I can say is “talkie, talkie, no talkie!”
She takes the first flight out on Sunday morning (how convenient). This way she can ‘prepare’ for her presentation in front of 600 people. Like I haven’t heard that one before! I have a feeling her preparation consisted of an enema, a spa treatment and a manicure/pedicure along with death by bon-bon.
So I am alone to fend for myself and take care of two kids in the process.
Now I know what Wifesense goes through when I am away on work. I am on the road about 50-60% of the time these days. I have no idea how she does it.
I commend any single mother, single father or daycare provider. If it were up to most guys to do this on their own the amount of kids orphaned and left on the street would SKYROCKET! This may also increase the number of dudes apply to the priesthood. The Catholic Church may have found an answer to their problems! Just force dudes to be single fathers. Done and done!
Over the past two days I have had 4 ripe picked burgers handed to me by my two year old. I have had to throw away and clean up two trounced on sunscreen tubes. I have been up to my elbows in poop filled diapers all while chasing two naked kids as I try my best to get a new diaper on each of them.
After I get through putting the diapers on them, I have the sized reversed. My youngest cannot keep his diaper up and my oldest son’s legs are turning purple. I am just lucky I didn’t get one of my arms stuck in the fastened diaper.
Over the past two nights it looks as if our living room got struck by a Minute Maid Typhoon. Juice is everywhere, books are scattered everywhere. Toys are hanging from the ceiling fans and I think I saw tumbleweed fly by last night.
I also may have left the front door open as we slept last night, so there is a strong possibility that we have a family of raccoons living with us.
You want to know the crazy part about all of this? My kids are actually really, really good. They can sense that I am alone and that I have no idea what I am doing.
My oldest cleans up his toys after he is done with them. My youngest isn’t there yet but he started cuddling up to me as if he is saying he is sorry for dumping his spaghetti dinner on his head.
My brother and sister-in-law can attest to this phenomenon. On Sunday night they hooked me up and brought their kids over as well as dinner for all of us.
My boys were in heaven, they LOVE their cousins. My niece and nephew could set them on fire and they would just giggle and laugh about it.
As we were sitting there laughing about Hudson and Dylan smashing each other in the face with toy swords, we look over at my youngest and he literally looks as if someone smashed a ravioli pie in his face.
We took plenty of pictures. I get him out of his seat and promptly put him in the sink. You know what he does next?
He grabs my cell phone and dunks it in the soapy water filled sink! Awesome! I am now going on my 4th cell phone in two years!!
I cannot dial the number 8 or 2 now.
My kids have been awesome. They both have been bathed and in bed by 8:30PM which is a feat for me considering I usually wind up in the tub trying to drown myself.
I have been able to pick up the downstairs, swifter the floor, vacuum and pack their lunched all before 11PM and I have fallen quickly to sleep each night.
I am able to wake up, get showered, get their lunches and my stuff into the car, wake the youngest up from his slumber, get him dressed, sun-screened up, milk in his tummy and get him settled in to watching Elmo. Then I wake up the oldest and do the same routine for him.
I have gotten both of them in the car by 8AM and I have gotten to work by 9:30AM the past two days. I should be getting my medal in the mail any day now!
Then I get a phone call today– I forgot to put shoes on the youngest and my oldest is out of diapers. I told the teachers to put empty cigarette boxes on my youngest’ feet as temporary shoes and to duct tape my oldest to the little toilet seat in his playroom. Problems solved! They did not find those suggestions funny.
There actually is a point to all of this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel for Walt! There is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. There is a room full of brew at the end of a terrible marriage.
You know what starts tomorrow night? Hard Knocks on HBO. I absolutely love that show. This year is going to be awesome. They are covering the New York Jets.
It has everything you want in a sports related reality show: A crazy obnoxious coach (I love Andy Reid but I would have dumped him in a heartbeat to bring in Coach Ryan. It would have been a perfect marriage too, considering Buddy Ryan is still revered in Philadelphia.), their best player is holding out and threatening to hold out the entire season (he won’t, considering the potential lockout looming in 2011. He cannot afford to lose TWO seasons of his young career.) It has a flashy, young Quarterback and brash defense. It has two aging veteran additions trying the best to win their first championship –Jason Taylor and LT. Did I mention that it was the New York Jets too?
I cannot wait.
Man, the simple things in life. Walt is getting old. Pretty soon all I will be listening to on the radio is political talk radio as I fiddle with my hearing aid…
Reader Comments (3)
You sound like a shitty ungrateful dad....or just a funny poophead.
Like the cigeratte box line!
I LOVE that picture of the guy with the cigarette box shoes. And your kid is cute too :-) Congratulations on a job well done!
Your two boys sound adorable and I'm sure you're doing a great job with them.
The crack about the Catholic Church was funny.
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