Gun Toting Monkeys
Tuesday, July 20, 2010 at 11:06AM 
Kabul, July 15: The US-led forces fighting the Taliban fighters in Afghanistan might soon encounter 'gun-toting' monkeys, trained for 'jihad', if a rumor doing the rounds in the Chinese media is to be believed.
The New York Post cited the state-run People's Daily as saying that the Taliban is "training monkeys to use weapons to attack American troops".
"... The Taliban forces have tried any possible means and figured out a method to train monkeys as 'replacement killers' against American troops," Stars and Stripes quoted the Chinese daily as saying.
The militants were arming the primates with AK-47 rifles, machine guns and trench mortars in the Waziristan tribal region bordering Pakistan and Afghanistan, it claimed.
The monkeys soldiers are being turned into snipers at a secret Taliban training base and are in turn being rewarded with 'bananas and peanuts'.
Taliban warlords have developed a bizarre way to deal with foreign forces: they have trained monkeys who love to eat bananas and peanuts to be killers. Taliban forces have taught monkeys how to use the Kalashnikov, Bren light machine gun and trench mortars. They also teach them how to identify and attack soldiers wearing U.S. military uniforms.
Ironically, the idea of training monkeys to fight was first invented by the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency. The CIA in the Vietnam War initiated a program that used the peanuts and bananas as prizes to train some "monkey soldiers" to kill Vietnamese in the jungle, according to a report by British media on June 27, 2010.
It is reported that these monkey soldiers are mainly composed of macaques and baboons hunted at an early age in the jungle and sold to the Taliban. These monkey babies who lost their mothers are sent to a secret Taliban training base one-by-one to become killer monkeys. Taliban militants use a series of rewards and punishments to gradually teach them how to use the lethal weapons. Recently, a British journalist went to Pakistan and Afghanistan border of Waziristan’s tribal region where he witnessed a few of the monkey soldiers armed with an AK-47 rifle and Bren light machine gun. Taliban militants in the past have strictly kept the program secret.
A senior U.S. military source confirmed the existence of the Taliban monkey soldiers, military experts call armed monkeys "monkey terrorists."
Okay I have a few points to make about this unbelievable story:
1) If you were a monkey and you were just chilling one day and all of the sudden you witness your monkey parents get slaughter by humans, then you are taken to a secret military base and trained to use a light weight machine gun; wouldn’t you eventually exact revenge on ALL humans for the brutal death of said monkey parents?
2) Consider what was discussed in point 1; if I was a training monkey killer I would definitely want to consider unionizing with all of the other trained monkeys and demand more than just peanuts and bananas. I like peanuts and I love banana but for everything I had been through and the fact that they are turning me into a trained killer I would want a nice 60 inch HD TV, running water, a lifetime supply of Combos and I would want a meet and greet with the cast of The Jersey Shore. It is the least the Taliban can do for these monkeys.
3) I am not sure if the Taliban saw Madagascar 2, but the monkeys in the movie do in fact form a union and put a halt to ALL manual labor on the crashed and broken plane. Their demands were simple; they wanted maternity leave (even though they were all males). The Penguin Management Team had to cave in and give them their demands to complete work on the plane on time to save all life on the Reservation. So let this be a note to the Taliban the idea of monkeys forming a union is not as farfetched as it sounds.
4) How did the initial CIA discussion about training monkeys for the Vietnam War actually take place? I can imagine that a group of young CIA agents were out getting plastered one night and some of the Agents dared Agent Chad Markowitz to bring up the idea of training monkeys to his superiors as a dare. He accepted the dare and jokingly broached the topic with his boss, who in turned LOVED the idea. Agent Markowitz probably returned to his cubical, and all of his drinking buddies were standing around waiting for him; giggling about his meeting. They assumed he would either be demoted or sent to Alaska or fired. He returned to his desk and looked like he saw a ghost. They asked him what happened and all he could muster up saying was “They bought the shit. We are going to start training monkeys to kill the Vietnamese.” Everyone stopped laughing and returned to work. It is the only plausible reason for starting this in the first place.
5) I do not know about you, but every time I go to the zoo, I am going to be keeping a closer eye on those damn monkeys.
6) I would believe this story more if they were trained to kill with nun chucks and Chinese stars. A band of ninja monkeys seems more plausible. They are very nimble and graceful creatures.
7) How awesome is this whole thing? Trained monkey killers. If you are going to meet your maker, this may be the best way to do it. On your death bed you can tell the doctors “It was a freaking monkey doc, I didn’t even see it coming! Cute little vicious bastard!”
8) I think we may have to stop calling stupid/ignorant people baboons. Baboons are smarter than we think. If these trained killer baboons find out that we are using their name in a slanderous way, we may all be next on their list.
9) I am still struggling with this concept. This is the same creature who stuck its finger up its own ass, sniffed the contents on its finger which caused it to fall out a tree. How can you go from finger sniffing poop to throwing grenades?
10) I actually heard that the monkeys are going under cover. Some are dressing up as mail men, others are wearing chicken costumes. There is a reason for this. It is widely known that monkey’s hate mail and they have a running feud with chickens. Maybe they are doing this to get us off of their scent and for the USA to start investigating chickens and mail men or maybe they are doing it to place a black cloud over these select groups. We may never know; I just feel bad for the chickens.
Be safe people!
Reader Comments (1)
I think your idea for Agent Chad Markowitz and his monkey loving renegades as the makings of a movie. It sucks the Goats movie came out last year as you may need a few years for people to forget about that one.