Not a problem for the ladiesAre your turkeys constantly done?   Do you have two raisins peaking through your tight ass shirt or blouse?  Do you contemplate putting scotch tape across your boobies to hide this crazy phenomenon?

Welcome to my friends’ world.   He doesn’t want people to know who he is; he is too embarrassed by his infliction.  He is cursed with Sensitive Nipples Syndrome.   To keep his identity hidden Walt will make up a fake name for him.  We will call this ‘fictitious character’ Jammy Minn. 

Jammy at Eagles game dressed ironically as a Frozen Turkey

No one will know who it is that Walt is referring to and his story will be told.  All is well that ends well, right Jammy?

I sat down with Jammy to discuss his nipples and the conversation went well.  We dug into the situation to do a root-cause analysis. 

I had to put on my detective hat for this one (and goggles to avoid getting poked in the eye by Jammy’s nipples).

Before I get into my diagnosis of Jammy; let’s start at the beginning. 

Hank - Jammy Dog (pictured with expensive collar)I have known Jammy for quite some time now. 

He is an art lover, luxury car driver, a sommelier of draft beer, a small home owner with nice hard wood floors, a connoisseur of ice cream and he collects expensive dog and cat collars. 

There is one thing that I always noticed about Jammy, even though he is a delight to be around, is he  always been very defensive and self conscious about his sensitive nipples.  

I mean how could he not be self conscious about it?  He walks around like he has been standing in a freezer with two ice cubes taped to his nipples all the time. 

Now he stands with his arms crossed tightly across his chest to hide them.  He finds it tough to walk like this but he does it anyway.     

As the good friend that Walt is, Walt had to help Jammy figure out what caused this in an attempt to fix it. 

We need our “cat-licking” Jammy back!  And we need him back now! 

I dug in deep and did the research.   I can only hope this helps him. 

It is either one of two things:

1)      Jammy may be eating too much canned food in his tiny little house with the tiny cupboards.  You see, canned food is lined with a film that actually contains some form of estrogen in it.  If you consume too much of this, this is one of the side effect – sensitive nipples (see below).  I did notice that Jammy eats a lot of canned tuna fish and canned Alpo.

Jammy running the Broad Street Run - Notice the Nips

2)      This is the one I am leaning towards.  I think this will answer most (if not all) of Jammy’s questions.   I had to ask Jammy the following questions to figure this out:

1. Does Jammy have food cravings?  CHECK
2. Is Jammy fatigued all of the time? CHECK
3. This one was a little gross but necessary.  Is Jammy’s aureoles (the skin around the nipples) darkened?  CHECK
4. Does Jammy suffer from tender swollen breasts?  UM YES – CHECK
5. Is Jammy gassy? CHECK
6. Does Jammy suffer from heartburn?  CHECK – this could be from the canned Alpo though.
7. Does Jammy cramp when he runs?  CHECK
8. Does Jammy have vivid dreams? CHECK
9. Does Jammy crave pickles?  CHECK
10. Lastly, is Jammy nauseous – Every time he looks in the mirror (ZING!  I will be here all week)
     
    

Walt can only come to one conclusion – Jammy is expecting.   I hope it is a boy. 

We need to start planning a baby shower. 

Jammys Hopeful Wife