The Fat Bobsledder - Steven Holcomb
Tuesday, February 23, 2010 at 12:15PM 
BIG BOBSLEDDER IS DA MAN!I have been watching a ton of the Olympics this year and there have been a lot of great, great moments so far: Lindsay Vonn returning from injury to win a gold medal, Bode Miller getting his head out of his ass and becoming the greatest male skier in USA history, the USA crushing the Canadians (and a nation’s hope) on their home soil in hockey and the French Canadian broadcasters questioning whether Michael Weir should be tested for hormones to see if he should be skating with the women.
All of these major events pail in comparison to the greatest development of the past 600 hundred years – The Fat Bobsledder. Steven Holcomb is the big man and is the reigning world champion in the four-man bobsled.
I was watching last night and I was amazed at this. I couldn’t help but picture the fat bobsledder in the Olympic cafeteria getting treated like an outcast, having to sit at his own table as people ignore him and stare at him in amazement as he stuffs his fat face with sloppy joes and chocolate covered mashed potatoes.
I pictured him being like Sloth from the Goonies – “Rocky Road?” “Baby Ruth, Sloth Loves Chunk!” Sloth was fucked from the start. What do you expect to look like when your parents name you Sloth? He was destined to be messed up.
I don’t know why I picture the fat bobsledder as having some sort or mental disorder, like he is slow or something.
I kept envisioning the bobsled training sessions and the driver of the bobsled team holding up a stick with a brownie attached to it as motivation for the fat bobsledder to run faster.
I was cracking up laughing. The USA should institute a rule that all fat people have to wear the bobsledding outfits. They are great and form fitting.
Barack Obama should look into some form of legislation around this. This serves three purposes:
1) It makes the skinny people feel that much better about themselves. And,
2) It gives everyone something to laugh at.
3) It is a major motivation for fat people to get back it shape.
I am sure people will be up in arms about me talking about fat people like this. I want to preface this conversation by saying I am fat as balls. I am proud of my fatass body and I would LOVE for this law to be past. I would know what I would be wearing everyday, so there is no need to pick out an outfit and I would look fantastic.
(I have been known to strip down naked once or twice in my life. If I got really skinny, the effects of streaking and stripping down won’t be as funny.)
Fat people are just funny by nature.
Fat people have really been in the news lately; Kevin Smith was kicked off of a plane for being too fat. That has got to be embarrassing. I haven’t seen him in a while, but I never thought he was THAT fat.
I thought he was big, but not two seats on a plane fat.
At my old company, my old boss used to be orca fat. I am talking the kind of fat where orthopedic shoes were required. She was probably about 3 pounds away from needing to cart around an oxygen mask with her.
You know it is bad when the doctor tells you that you need to carry oxygen around with you when you are only attempting to walk your fatass to your car and back, not climbing Mount Everest.
Well my buddy Dave had to travel with our fat boss and when they got to the rental car place, the seat belt wouldn’t fit around he fat roll covered torso, so she had to request a selt belt extender.
I had no idea that they even made seat belt extenders. Seat belt extenders should come with a head band, a work out regime and a stomach stapling machine.
Seriously, they need to make selt belt extenders? The rental car place should have taken the keys from the orca and made her walk to the hotel and get some much needed excerise.
The crazy part about all of this? She wasn’t even embarrassed about it. I would have been mortified!
This is when you have to start making changes in your life. Simple changes too, like only eating 11 burgers for lunch instead of 15. Just cut back a little!
Back to the fat bobsledder:
I hope the fat bobsledder wins a medal and crashes through the podium stand when bending over. Or maybe the medal won’t fit around his neck. Either one would be awesome.
If he doesn’t get to the medal stand, I at least hope he gets the brownie that the bobsled driver is holding in front of him. He at least deserves that before being put back in his cage for the next four years.
Reader Comments (12)
Fat ice dancers may be funnier. That sport seriously needs to be shut down.
Fat bobsledders give us all hope that we too can one day be Olympians.
Fat beach ball volleyball would be more disgusting... especially once the sweat kicks in.
I think a Fat Bobsledder is full of commericial appeal. We need to see more of this legend.
Remeber the ORCA would ask for a seatbelt extender on a crowded plane at the top of her lungs - never even batting an eye.
The fat bobsledder is really a true inspiration. The next group of athletes that fat people have to penetrate is Jockeys. How loveable would a fat jockey be? He would be a marketing sensation like Danica Patrick in Race Car driving. Like Danica has proven, you don't have to win the race, you just have to be different!
I have yet to watch any of the Olympics. This post makes me want to sit down and watch....I LOVE FAT PEOPLE!!
I think his team was disqualified when the Swedes argued (successfully) that he should count as two sledders.
"The USA crushing the Canadians (and a nation’s hope) on their home soil in hockey"
Not quite the case! But hey, a silver is pretty good too.
cocaineprincess.blogspot.com
yes america is fat assed so it is fittin g they have a fat bobsled driver. Who won gold in hockey mens and womens though? I cant remember...(in case your too dumb of an american to get it, thats sarcasm, so much for crushing a nations hope fatboy)
oh ya and i forgot which country won the olympics with 14 gold medals?? I cant recall
Ah Mick, this article was written before the gold medal games. Congrats to Canada for spending all that money on "Owning the Podium"! Right? Who owned the podium though? Setting a record for most MEDALS won? America (as usual).
Congrats though, you would win the gold medal in bitterness if there were one!