Ranking the Worst Group of Drivers
Wednesday, February 17, 2010 at 9:15AM 
If I were Barack Obama, I would be celebrating the shit out of President’s Day. I would wake up and instantly put on one of those cone shaped birthday hats and pop a noise maker (maybe a kazoo) into my mouth.
I would expect the first lady to make me a cake, and I would sing “Happy Me Day” songs.
I would make my staff pick up the slack left by me, for I wouldn’t work on the day set aside to remember me. I would make them carry me on a chariot to every meeting, and fan me with one of those big wicker fans and feed me grapes during the down time of the meeting.
I would be swilling nothing but Martini’s and I would start a fight with the leader of Russia, just for the hell of it. He has to know it is President’s day.
It is essentially like have a second birthday. There is a reason I have zero responsibilities given to me anywhere.
Okay, I drive back and forth to New York every week. I would categorize myself as a Grade D driver. To sum it up, I suck. I have been in double digit accidents in my life, mostly because I have a very short attention span.
I will say this – I am definitely not the worst. I am not even close.
At first glance, most people would say Asians are the worst drivers. They wouldn’t be far off.
The funny part about this whole blog is I am 100% stereotyping here. I have to say, there is nothing as good as stereotyping and condemning a whole population of people, as long as it is jest and causes no harm – I am all for it.
I am going to give keen insight as to who the worst drivers are:
5) Mexicans – This may not be an international problem but the number of illegal Mexican immigrants in the USA is astronomical. I don’t care but it is the truth.
If you are on the road and you see a jammed pack El Camino in front of you, you will find out one thing: Mexicans always drive at (or below) the speed limit on every street, avenue, driveway and expressway in America.
They are not getting deported back for some stupid reason like a driving violation. If they are getting deported they are going to make it worth their while. Maybe the get caught selling fireworks out of the trunks of their car, or something.
4) The aforementioned Asian driver – I don’t know if their eyes have trouble adjusting to the sun, or the dark, or what their deal is but Asians are bad at two things: Taking a long ass time on the golf course and driving horribly.
If you seen an Asian couple driving 15 miles per hour on the expressway, just pull over (especially if they are driving a golf cart, you know shit is getting fucked up then.) Seriously, pull over.
They are bound to hit the median, crash into your car, wreck havoc, unleash Godzilla on the city all the while coming out unscathed from the whole incident. While you are left taping your bumper back on to your car and trying to find shelter to get away from Godzilla.
3) Old People – They say as you get older the first thing to go is your hearing. I would argue that the first thing to go is either your shin bone or your ankle tendon. No person over the age of 60 knows how to adequately apply the pressure necessary to go over 14 miles an hours. “Who? What? My ears are beeping again!” Where are my pants?” It is the same old story across America. It is as if old people are leading a funeral procession and this is not far from the truth. They practically have one foot in the grave anyway.
2) Women – enough said.
1) A 75-year-old female driver of Mexican and Asian decent – These people are rare, but with the illegal immigration problem and Mexican’s infiltrating the work force at every level, this breed is expanding at a rapid rate.
I see Mexican’s working as Chinese Restaurant cooks now, and I know they work at the dry cleaners. This breeding may be at full bloom in 2-3 years. Watch out people!
They need to start making cars out of clay.
Reader Comments (3)
I'm not sure it's fair to say ALL women are bad drivers but then again I have been to traffic court.
cocaineprincess.blogspot.com
I'm not getting involved in this one, Walt. You're on your own. Good luck to you.
I laughed so hard I cried. You are so wrong.