What to do for Valentine’s Day
Friday, February 12, 2010 at 3:03PM
Walt has been traveling for the past two weeks and I have been noticing some weird things that I have never really noticed before.
I am on the road a lot and I usually stay at a Marriott. They have their standard procedures and each room is set up pretty much the same way at each hotel.
I do have a few observations/complaints:
1) Why would any person in maintenance/interior design put a wired soap holder in the shower? I know you wouldn’t really think about this too much, but the wired soap holders have about a half in or a quarter inch space in-between each wire. A brand new bar of soap, provided by the hotel is only a sliver wide. It fits perfectly in the crack of my ass. Don’t they take this into consideration? Or is the soap rack just for show?
When the soap gets wet it slides right through the wires and falls to the tub, each and every time. You would think that someone in maintenance has at one time or another been in prison (I am not sure why I am making this stereotype, but some of the people I see working in maintenance scare me, so I have to assume). So you think their input into not dropping the soap would be vital, right?
Nope, you drop the soap (that rhymes).
Hoff Soap = Genius
This is cute at first, but after two straight weeks of bending over to pick up the fucking soap, I am done with it.
2) Why do the cleaning people feel the need to open up the curtains everyday? I never remember to check for this until I turn off the lights to go to bed and a bright shining light from the parking lot hits me right in the eyes. It never fails. It is like I am in interrogation or something.
It is like there is someone out there forcing the light to only coming into my room. I have to get up EVERY night and close the freaking curtain. Then I trip over my shoes or, step on the base of the lamp and fall flat on my face, because the room is now as dark as a freaking cave. I can’t see shit for like 14 minutes, I have to close my eyes and crawl to the bed, feeling around the floor to avoid smashing my head into any large objects.
3) How come the fan in the bathrooms never ever work properly? My mirrors are fogged up every morning and I have to shave my face in the large mirror in the small hallway. I don’t really care, but I wind up getting distracted by Sportscenter and I have come close to severing my jugular on more than one occasion.
That is the end of my observations/complaints.
Okay, here are my thoughts on Valentines Day it is not worth complaining about how this stupid holiday is made up.
This angle has been beaten to death on every level. Guys simply hate Valentines Day.
There is no need to rehash any of that.
As you get older, you realize that you have to choose your battles. Some shit is just too trivial to worry about, this being one of them.
You have to use these stupid, made up situations to your advantage. This is two fold:
1) You need your night to lead to sex. Trust me youngsters, after you have kids, sexual encounters become few and far between. You need to take advantage of every opportunity presented to you (or not, depending on how tired you are). This speaks for itself.
2) You need to punch your ticket to a free pass towards something else.
So don’t fuck it up.
If you mess this up she will remember it and you will wind up having to make up for your stupidness doing something else. It is an exhausting cycle.
So why not do the ol’ switcharoo on her? Go completely overboard in the other direction and surprise the shit out of her.
Take her to a spa, then to a romantic dinner, then maybe go and see that stupid romantic comedy about Valentines Day.
You can spin it into a hall pass down the road.
Example: Your friends are going out to watch March Madness and your honey is planning a trip for your in-laws to come to town on the same weekend.
When you are completing your over-the-top romantic night you can start to drop a subtle hint about your true desires/hidden agenda about your romantic day together.
Here is what you do:
Make sure you get into bed first and as she is coming in to bed, appear to be in deep, deep thought. (Maybe pet your newly grown thin mustache. Mustaches equal romance.)
She will ask you what you are thinking about. You need to tell her some form of the truth. Tell her “My friend Lama is planning a party for the first weekend of March Madness.”
She’ll respond “So what’s the big deal?”
You’ll think to yourself well you planned a freaking stupid family gathering for the same freaking weekend and know my freaking plans are ruined.
You need to tone it down and say “Well, it coincides with your family coming to town.” The more you appear sad about this, the better.
You have planted the seed to getting out of it.
Start hooking up with her, swapping spit all over God’s creation and let the night settle.
Then bring it up again in a day or two. Chances are she will still be amazed by the day you planned and you will get a free hall pass to attend the March Madness event and either skip out on the family event, or she’ll reschedule the family thing altogether.
Easy-Peasy-Japanesey.
Here is my hidden agenda:
I am planning on buying Wifesense a set of silk sheets for two single beds. When she informs me that we needed bed sheets for our current queen size bed; I am going to delicately plant the seed for finally getting two single beds. Maybe we’ll get the separate beds soon, maybe later. Either way, we’ll have silk sheets for them.
We’ll finally be able to get some freaking sleep!
Peace Out! I hope you guys pull some tail. Fresh Breath is the key to success, so bring mints with you.
Reader Comments (3)
Hey, I've been travelling a lot lately and I stay at Marriotts a lot, too, and you're right about the soap thingy and the curtain thingy. It drives me nuts. But Marriott hotels are a lot better than Motel 6s, I can assure you. I had to stay in one of those in Wichita, KS, recently, and I honestly thought I was going to be murdered by the other guests or end up with a very nasty disease of some sort from the bedding or the shower or the sink or the carpet or pretty much anything I could touch. Horrible.
Great post. I really enjoyed this one.
And for the record I think the soap dish is just for show.
cocaineprincess.blogspot.com
That first picture made my youngest daughter cry.
Excellent work!