Lieutenant Frank Drebin, you son of a bitch!
Monday, November 29, 2010 at 10:46AM 
The world just got a little less funny over the weekend.
I really truly believe that you are born with your personality. What I mean is you cannot learn social skills; you are simple born with them.
Dorks are born dorks, jocks are born jocks ugly people are born ugly people, etc.
I know people go to these seminars to learn presentation skills and so on and I think it is great that they want to try and change who they are and change some of the things they are uncomfortable with.
But people are who they are and I believe that.
Things do help form us though. You may be born with a set of social skills but you do need things to help form them for adult hood.
There is not a more impressionable period them when you are 8 until 18 or 19 that is why they call these the formative years. (I am probably off on the years, but those where the years that really transformed me into the loser idiot I am today).
Certain things are memorable for people (and those are the ones we are thankful for, good or bad). It could be family, friends, television shows, arcade games, movies, classmates, teachers, imaginary friends, etc.
I was lucky enough to have an awesome, awesome family. During my childhood, my brother Dan and I would sit up cracking up laughing until early in the morning much to the chagrin of my parents who had to work the next day.
My brother Dan was one crazy mofo. One of the funniest things he ever did was egg our own house. We were locked out one day and it was freezing cold out. We decide to break into the house through the large front bay window on the porch. We checked out the block to make sure no one was watching.
We were like two spies on a mission.
My brother pulled the window up and gently climbed through, steadying himself on the back of the couch that rested up against the bottom of the window sill in the living room of the house.
I had the easy job of being the lookout.
My brother sat on the back of the couch and looked out to me with pure glee as he grasped the large window tightly with both of his hands. He knew we made it. Soon we would be basking in our achievements in a nice warm house.
As he sat on the back of the couch he soon realized that something was amiss, for he did not plan on the back of the couch to slop so badly.
He held the bottom of the window in both palms of his hands as he began to slide down the back of the couch. His look of glee quickly turned to a look of sheer horror.
He continued to slip, and slip and slip. Then......he fell completely off of the couch, dropping the window in the process. The window SLAMMED down with a full force of fury.
All I could see through the shattered glass were two Velcro Reebok sneakers sticking straight up in the air on the other side of the couch.
I couldn’t help but laugh.
He got up and screamed “Oh shit, oh shit what are we going to do?”
I continue to laugh. This did not help his cause. I think he may have crapped himself.
We had to devise a plan to get Dan out of this little pickle. We needed a sure fire solution to throw our parents off of our scent.
Dan rubbed his chin until it became chapped. Then he popped up and ran to the kitchen. He returned with two eggs. “I got it!” He proclaimed.
I will egg the house and we can blame it on Jamie Zepnicki (a neighborhood kid my brother didn’t care for).
He proceeded to stand on the porch and throw the eggs with all of his might.
There was one tiny problem. The front window was already missing. The eggs landed about four rooms into the house.
It seemed like a good bet at the moment. We didn’t have a choice anyway, our parents pulled up. We sat on the porch and whistled as if we didn’t do anything.
The look on my dad’s face was priceless. He actually bought it too. All I can say is, poor Jamie Zepnicki.
That is the kind of shit my brother would pull all the time and we would laugh our asses off about it.
Then I got to high school and I met my friends. They happened to be even more retarded than my brother Dan. It was a perfect fit.
Those guys helped formed the Waltdog into the lyrical beast that sits before you.
There was no larger contributor to my social development than Lieutenant Frank Drebin though. His stupid humor and stone cold facial delivery was unmatched. As a kid he was practically my babysitter and mentor. I would sit in front of the television and watch the taped episodes of Police Squad and Airplane.
Then came the Naked Gun series which topped off an already unbelievable career.
I would say that Leslie Neilson, Monty Python and Mel Brooks and Gene Wilder are the people I most idolize.
All I can say is Rest in Peace Leslie. You were one of the best. You made countless people laugh out loud and that is a talent most people desire but few people achieve.
Look at some of these quotes (from just THE FIRST Naked Gun movie – that is unbelievable):
Frank: It's true what they say: Cops and women don't mix. It's like eating a spoonful of Drano; sure, it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside.
Jane: I've heard police work is dangerous.
Frank: It is. That's why I carry a big gun.
Jane: Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?
Frank: I used to have that problem.
Jane: What did you do about it?
Frank: I just think about baseball.
Frank: It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.
Jane: Goodyear?
Frank: No, the worst.
Frank: Just think; next time I shoot someone, I could be arrested.
Frank: It's fourth and fifteen and you're looking at a full-court press.
Mayor: Now Drebin, I don't want any trouble like you had on the South Side last year, that's my policy.
Frank: Well, when I see five weirdos, dressed in togas, stabbing a man in the middle of the park in full view of a hundred people, I shoot the bastards, that's *my* policy!
Mayor: That was a Shakespeare-In-The-Park production of 'Julius Caesar,' you moron! You killed five actors! Good ones!
Ed: A hunch won't stand up in court, Frank. What we need are hard facts.
Frank: Look, Ed. Ludwig was the only one besides us who knew Nordberg was still alive. Next thing you know, some thug tries to knock him off in the hospital.
Ed: Yeah, but going into Ludwig's office without a warrant, you're taking a big chance.
Frank: I know. You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street or sticking your face in a fan. 
Frank: Jane, since I've met you, I've noticed things that I never knew were there before... birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights.
Frank: Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat.
[Frank Drebin is emptying out his files after being kicked off the force]
Frank: Hey! The missing evidence in the Kelner case! My God, he really was innocent!
Ed: He went to the chair two years ago, Frank.
Frank: Well, uh...
[Frank Drebin quickly shoves the evidence back into the file cabinet]
[offering a cigar]
Vincent Ludwig: Cuban?
Frank: No, Dutch-Irish. My father was from Wales.
Jane: Would you like a nightcap?
Frank: No, thank you, I don't wear them.
Ed: Doctors say that Nordberg has a 50/50 chance of living, though there's only a 10 percent chance of that.
[while Jane is erotically sucking his finger]
Frank: I've got nine more.
Mrs. Nordberg: Oh, my poor Nordberg! He was such a good man, Frank. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who would do such a thing?
Frank: It's hard to tell. A gang of thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover...
Frank: Protecting the Queen's safety is a task that is gladly accepted by Police Squad. No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us, as Americans, we must be gracious and considerate hosts.
Frank: I've finally found someone I can love - a good, clean love... without utensils.
[Frank recalls a prior love]
Frank: I'd known her for years. We used to go to all the police functions together. Ah, how I loved her, but she had her music. I think she had her music. She'd hang out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don't recall her playing an instrument or being able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days of the year. In fact, I bought her a harp for Christmas. She asked me what it was.
[Frank Drebin walks through town]
Frank: [narrating] The attempt on Nordberg's life left me shaken and disturbed, and all the questions kept coming up over and over again, like bubbles in a case of club soda. Who was this character in the hospital? And why was he trying to kill Nordberg? And for whom? Did Ludwig lie to me? I didn't have any proof, but somehow, I didn't entirely trust him either. Why was the 'I Luv You' not listed in Ludwig's records? And if it was, did he know about it? And if he didn't, who did? And where the hell was I?
Ed: You want to take a dinghy?
Frank: No, I took care of that at the press conference.
Frank: A good cop - needlessly cut down by some cowardly hoodlums.
Ed: That's no way for a man to die.
Frank: No... you're right, Ed. A parachute not opening... that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine... having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I wanna go!
Wilma Nordberg: [cries] Oh... Frank. This is terrible!
Ed: Don't you worry, Wilma. Your husband is going to be alright. Don't you worry about anything. Just think positive. Never let a doubt enter your mind.
Frank: He's right, Wilma. But I wouldn't wait until the last minute to fill out those organ donor cards.
[Wilma cries again]
Ed: What I'm trying to say is that, Wilma, as soon as Nordberg is better, he's welcome back at Police Squad.
Frank: ...Unless he's a drooling vegetable. But I think that's only common sense.
[Wilma cries again]
Ed: [after Ludwig has been hit with a poison Dart, fallen off a building, run over by a car and a steam roller and trampled by a marching band] Oh, Frank! It's horrible. It's so horrible!
Frank: [comforts Ed] I know...
Ed: My father went the same way...
Jane: How about a rain check?
Frank: Well, let's just stick to dinner.
Vincent Ludwig: Drebin!
Jane: Frank!
Frank: You're both right.
Frank: It's a topsy-turvy world, and maybe the problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans. But this is our hill. And these are our beans!
Det. Nordberg: Drugs... drugs...
Frank: Nurse! Get this man some drugs! Can't you see he's in pain?
[nurse administers drugs]
Det. Nordberg: No... no...
[pulls Frank towards him]
Det. Nordberg: Heroin, Frank! Heroin...
Frank: Uh... that's a pretty tall order, Nordberg. You'll have to give me a couple of days on that one.
Celebrity 
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