Frank the Angry Sock – Chapter 2: The Bleach Effect
Monday, January 11, 2010 at 3:37PM 
So Frank and Hank Haines were welcomed in the world in one fowl poop. Vanessa and Peter Haines couldn’t have been happier.
The first two days seemed like a cake walk. Vanessa and the two new boys had to stay in the hospital; it was the normal routine after a pregnancy. Peter elected to stay at the hospital as well.
It was the tendency of the White Sock male to not show a sensitive side. The male White Socks are raised to not really show fear. They are pretty normal folks, but the male gender tends to hide its scared and sad emotions under the surface. Don’t be fooled by Peter’s stoic poker face, prior to the twins being born, he was scared shitless.
No one can properly prepare any Sock for parenthood. It really is a lesson learned on the fly.
Peter was no different. He worried about the baby’s and their health, he worried that anything and everything that can go wrong will. He worried the life he was currently living prior to kids will be gone in an instant and everything will involve child speak and kid activities but most of all he worried he could potential mess the whole thing up by being a crappy Sock father.
Then the twin boys Hank and Frank were born and once their tiny little hands grasped his, all the worries in the world went out the window.
Once they opened their little eyes and peered up at him, as if they recognize his voice, the only feelings he can feel were pure elation and happiness. He knew it was meant to be. He realized he was ready.
Vanessa was a different story. Sock women, it seems, were born to be Sock Moms. It is crazy that the motherly instinct just seems to kick in. It was as if a switch was turn on and the entire mommy manual was downloaded to her brain.
spot the baby
Vanessa didn’t seem afraid. She knew how to cradle them, to care for them, to get them to fall asleep by gently rubbing their cut little Sock foreheads with her finger tips.
Peter was never so impressed by anything.
The first day at the hospital, the couple seemed to be born for this, it seemed like second nature to them. They were instant parent professionals. At least it seemed so.
There was a pretty steady routine at the Basketville General Sock Maturity Ward:
The Sock Nurses showed up with the babies at feeding time, handed Hank to Peter and Frank to Vanessa; jammed the baby bottles full of bleach in their mouth’s and exited the room.
(I know what you are thinking “Is Vanessa going to consider breast feeding?” The answer is simple. Socks don’t have nipples stupid, so no; she is not considering breast feeding. If you don’t believe me just look down at your socks, if you are wearing a pair of socks with nipples, you have some serious issues.)
Bleach was the White Sock’s life blood. It gave them all of the proper nutrients and coated their bright exterior, giving them their white luster.
As soon as the feedings finished, the Sock Nurses instantly reappeared and carted the twin ankle Socks back to the Sock nursery, where they slept most of the time. The Nurses cared for them there. It was Ankle Sock Central.
Vanessa had a Maternity ward room all to herself. She had a nice comfortable adjustable bed and the nurses periodically came in and fluffed her pillows.
Peter got a nice padded folding chair with uneven legs that wobbled every time he moved and that was safely tucked under the window that had a huge draft coming in through it.
Three times a day Vanessa got meals delivered. Peter had to fend for himself and had a steady diet of donuts, chicken salad sandwiches and sour cream and onion chips.
After each meal Vanessa tried to catch up on some sleep. Peter did the same. Vanessa snored away as Peter tossed and turned and slid down on the folding chair as the cold draft from the window periodically blasted down the collar of his shirt and his chair wobbled under ever toss and every turn.
The twins were brought back every two hours or so and the process cycle continued.
With each feeding Hank would fall asleep mid-way through his bottle of bleach. Peter started getting the hang of it.
Frank had a different reaction to the bleach. He tossed around in Vanessa’s arms wildly; growling as if he were a coyote howling at the moon.
Each feeding, Frank got stronger and stronger, Vanessa could barely contain him. She thought nothing of it.
After the bottles were done the nurses returns and shuffled the twins back to the nursery. Vanessa and Peter tried to sleep again.
The nurses returned two hours later to check in on them. They were both fast asleep.
The Sock nurses left and feed the twins in the nursery, letting the new parents catch up on some much needed sleep.
Peter didn’t understand all of the fuss people made about kids turning new parents into Sock Zombies. He awoke from his padded folded chair, rejuvenated. He didn’t feel tired or sleep deprived. Heck, this was the most rest he had gotten in years.
He thought to himself “Why didn’t we do this sooner! Having kids is a cake walk!” Little did he know that the Sock nurses don’t come home with the twin babies!
As Vanessa slept in the bed and Peter watched television, something strange was happening in the nursery.
The Sock nurses finished up the feeding and Hank was fast asleep. Frank was tossing himself around the room wildly. The nurses couldn’t contain him. CRASH after CRASH befuddled the nurses.
He said to them “Ga, ga, go-go, ga-go!” which meant, “What the shit are you looking at?”
The nurses were horrified. They didn’t know what to do. This had never happened before.
They left to get security to come up and help them, when the returned, the room was trashed.
They looked around the room, and they couldn’t find Frank. Hank was fast asleep on the floor. They heard a loud CRASH from outside the hospital. They ran to the window and peer out. They saw a tiny little baby Ankle Sock bench pressing a mini-van in the parking lot.
They rush outside before anyone notices. When they arrived the mini-van was back on the ground and Frank was asleep underneath it. The effects of the Bleach had worn off. He opens up his one little eye and he inquisitively squeaked out the following: “Gad-go a go-go, ghaddy-ghah!” Which is translated to: “What did you do with my bleach, bitch?”
They rushed him upstairs and had a Sock Doctor examine him. They diagnosed Frank with a severe case of acid reflux and they put him on an ultrasensitive, hyper allergenic fabric softener formula.
It leaves him a little gassy, but he doesn’t seem to wreck shit after digesting it.
The folks at Basketville General are left astonished by Frank. They call him “The Angry Sock”. The quicker they got rid of him, the better.
Peter and Vanessa Haines are sound asleep in their room. The nurses enter. They awaken. The Sock Nurses have the two babies all packed up and their release papers written up with feeding instructions for Frank.
The Haines get to go home a day early. Yeppie!
Next: Chapter 3: Good Riddance
Frank the Angry Sock, Humor, Offbeat 
Reader Comments (3)
Very ironic this comes out on the day McGuire comes clean. Sounds like Venessa has some HGH in those sock mammaries of hers. great story so far though!
Waltdog, great story. This is some funny stuff. If you need a sock-eating bulldog, I know one that you can use.
~Rondog
Can you make this into a series and replace at least one reality TV show?