I am in beautiful Louisville, Kentucky today!  I flew out of Philadelphia International late yesterday afternoon.  I got to the airport quicker than I expected, so I had some time to kill. 

I shopped around the terminals and wound up at the Body Shop.  The smell coming out of this joint is really inviting. 

I strolled in and quickly realized that I was the first straight man that had come through these doors in quite some time.  The women working there seemed shocked, I was treated like Julie Roberts dress shopping in Pretty Woman. 

I felt violated in a major way.  Fat, unshaven dudes like to smell good too, you know! 

I perused the shop and settled on a mango body wash and a mango body lotion.  It smells awesome. 

I did have to remind myself of one lotion notion that dudes cannot forget: Papaya smelling lotions is for pussies. Today I smell like a total fruitcake. 

Onto the blog. 

My buddy Dave Cup, a constant contributor to the comment section forward me on this little diddy.  He works with a bunch of old dudes and they throw around a ton of clichés that he has written down over time.

This confirms that old dudes speak in their own language and the language can only be deciphered by other old dudes. 

Once you hit a certain age, there is a secret ceremony in which you are branded with wrinkles on your saggy balls and provided a list of clichés, saying and words to use from that point forward. 

You are also taught how to be a grumpy old curmudgeon and the proper way to remove your dentures when you are about to yell at the young whipper snappers that reside on your front lawn. 

You also have to commit to send back every luke warm bowl of soup you get at a restaurant as if it were a bowl of lava. 

Here is the list that young David has provided me with and for which we are both trying to figure out what most of it means:

1. As dead as Kelseys nuts (what the hell does this mean?)

2. In again, out again Finnegan

3. A ring tailed howitzer

4. Tickle the twine (This sounds fun…)

5. If the king had balls she'd be the queen

6. If your lying your flying

7. All over hells half acre

8. The shit is gonna hit the fan

9. Don't have a pot to piss in

10. For shits and giggles

11. Do the best you can with the tools you have

12. Like bringing a knife to a gunfight

13. Speak softly and carry a big stick

14. Looking up a dead horses’ ass.

15. The squeaky wheel gets the grease

16. All hell is gonna break loose

17. A horse of a different color (talking about old modes of transportation, I think)

18. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink

19. That’s the way the cookie crumbles

20. Keep your ducks in a row

21. Going to hell in a hand-basket

22. Don't take candy from a stranger

23. Like taking candy from a baby

24. For crying out loud

25. No sense in crying over spilled milk

26. You can't have you cake and eat it too

27. You can't judge a book by its cover

28. Shit happens

29. Slow and steady wins the race

30. Shit or get off the pot

31. Cutting off your nose to spite your face

32. Talk the ears off of a brass monkey (This may be my favorite one)

33. Colder than a witches tit (Strike my last comment, this is definitely my favorite one). 

34. Money talks, bullshit walks

35. You can't put 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag (I laughed at loud at this one)

36. Stuck between a rock and a hard place

37. No shit sherlock

38. Close but no cigar

39. The pot calling the kettle black

40. With friends like you who needs enemies

41. Run to the roundhouse, they will never corner you there (This one took me a while)

42. Right church, wrong pew

43. Busier than a one-armed paper hanger (This one is hysterical)