5 Hour Energy Drink Review
Sunday, August 9, 2009 at 12:50PM 
I am in the midst of studying to get my Modeling certificate. I am dying to get those letters after my name. The exam is supposedly as intense as the CPA exam.
It is made up of a few parts such as: posing, runway walking, underwear stuffing, adult braces and polishing.
As usual I left the majority of the work to be done until the very end, cramming everything in like crazy.
I have been strutting up and down the hallway to prepare and it is exhausting.
I needed something to pick me up in the wee hours of the morning so I turned to the 5 Hour energy drink.
I reached for the tiny bottle last night around 10:30PM, in hopes of getting some of the studying in until around 2:30 or 3AM.
I am going to give you a little rundown as to what happened to me over the last 12 or so hours.
Makes you see blurry?
10:30PM – I drink the first sip of 5 hour energy drink, it is not too tasty. I drink around half the bottle. My face looks like I have been sucking on a lemon.
10:32PM – I finish the bottle. I can almost feel my teeth rotting out of my head.
10:45PM – I am still tired and I begin to walk around to get the blood flowing.
11:00PM – I feel pretty good as start studying again.
12:00AM – I am wired, my eyes feel like they are missing eyelids.
1:00AM – My heart is racing and I begin to sweat profusely. It feels like my heart is going to come through my chest.
2:35AM – My heart is still racing. I begin to see different colors. Is this heaven? I contemplate calling my doctor. My fingers are moving to fast to dial a phone number.
3AM – I am now getting worried, I am speaking so fast that even I cannot understand what I am saying. I think I have x-ray vision.
3:30AM – I get done an 8 mile run and I feel like I can pick a small car over my head.
4AM – I cannot remember why I took this stuff. I stare at the book in front of me and it is covered in my drool, the ink has run through the page.
5AM – I am ready for bed, I brush my teeth so fast that my left arm hurts.
6AM – I have been lying in bed for an hour staring up at the ceiling, 5 hours my ass!
7AM – My kids get up, so do I. I change their diapers in record time as I am chewing through my tongue.
9AM – I grab my second bowl of Captain Crunch.
9:07AM – I woke up in my second bowl of Captain Crunch.
9:30AM – I get in my car, I know I need something from the store, I just don’t know what yet.
10AM – I wake up in my car at a stop light. I forget why I am here.
10:15AM – I finally get to the store to grab a paper, I have dried milk in my hair.
10:16AM – I reach the counter and notice the small bottle of 5 hour energy drink, it is a different flavor. I buy it. I am excited to try it. My heart already is hurting.
Repeat step one.
I am actually surprised this stuff didn’t go through FDA examination. It definitely is good for you.
Seriously, these energy drinks and energy supplements are the devils seed. They are going to be the downfall of our society. Either that or people are going to be so wired that in five years people on five hour energy will ban together and build an escalator to the moon.
That is actually a good idea. I hate walking, escalators are awesome.
Lovin in Elevator?
Reader Comments (14)
So....No side effects then? :'/
Sounds like fun...try drinking a liter of coke zero it'll give ou the same effect..Th
The stuff really works ...much better then a red bull, etc. I wonder what the long-term effects are and interesting how pro athletes now advertise for it...is it much different then railing a few lines before gametime???
I always see it at the checkout at Walgreens but I've never tried it. I've been of work for a few days so maybe I'll buy it the day I go back so I can "catch up."
That picture is adorable. No, not the corn one.
I had one right after brushing my teeth. Ugh, that was the most horrendous thing ever! And I felt more tired after drinking it. About an hour later I had to grab a coke to get some extra caffeine.
The "escalator to the moon" line has me cracking up in my cube!!
Who ever wrote this article is spoon feeding you compleate bullshit! I did 2 shots in a row of this stuff. None of this stuff happend to me. I was a little hyper but it lasted ten min then I was fine. So shut up whoever wrote this article and have a great day :)
Ben Martin gots a little venom in him! I like it! It sounds like you just took a shot of 5 hour energy drink! Amen brother! Walt does need to shut up!
Ya LOL I had 2 shots of it when I wrote this LOL
Wow........this is pretty embarrassing that happened to you. Can we get someone to write a REAL review who isnt extremely susceptible to energy drinks or caffeine in general. I'v had thousands of energy drinks over the years and i know which are good ones and which are bad. So i decided to try the 5 hour energy. Yes it does wake you up but seriously...YOUR EXAGGERATING! Its not that strong. It does keep you awake for a couple of hours but then it goes away like everything else. If you actually did all the stuff you said you did, you probably shouldnt drink caffeine in general nevertheless an energy shot Retard!!!!
Dude Daniel,
People like you crack me up. I thought the intended exaggertion of this blog was pretty obvious. At no point did I say I was conducting a REAL review of 5 hour energy. This is a HUMOR blog. Maybe you should consider slowing down on the caffeine.
PS - I am a Retard.
Walt,
I know how you feel. When I read this I remembered a very similar situation that happen to me. Now I don’t have kids but I own a farm. During my hyper activity I must have wondered out to the farm in my Kool Aid guy outfit. I realized I was in all red trying to milk a bull. The bad news is you cant get milk from a bull but the good news is you can calm them down by trying. Hi OOO
Later Face
yes they are drinks of the devil !! good blog!
I’ve been keeping an eye on your web log for 2 days now and I should tell I am starting to like your post.great review very nice work.