How to Improve the Workday
Tuesday, August 4, 2009 at 1:27PM 
All of us travel to work each and every day with one distinct thought in mind – Work blows.
That pretty much sums everything up. Work does blow. You can enjoy what you do for a living and you can most certainly enjoy the people around you. That is a blessing. Not everyone is in that predicament. Most people hate what they do and, more importantly, hate the people that they work with and for.
I actually like what I do and I like the people around me. There are a few people I could do without, but that happens everywhere. Douche bags are unavoidable.
Even if that is the case, there are still other things I would rather be doing. That goes for all of us. Who wants to be at work? If you do you are an idiot.
Most of us are on cruise control while at work, praying that the day will fly by. We act busy when we have too, all the while surfing the internet for the latest and greatest blogs, like www.waltsense.com.
Though waltsense is thoroughly entertaining, surfing the internet makes the day feel like it is dragging on. There is only so much reading/facebooking/tweeting/game playing a person can do without going completely postal.
I do have a failsafe plan that is guaranteed to spruce up your work day, and make the time fly by and I do 100% guarantee that this plan does not include one ounce of actual work.
1) Create a Journal for one of your co-workers
This is time consuming and has to be done in complete secrecy. If there is someone that gets on your nerves at work, this is a great way to get that person back. This will create gossip about that person that other people will think comes directly from that person.
It is a simple concept. Go out and buy a diary/daily journal and begin to write a daily journal for the annoying co-worker (it would help if you knew that persons handwriting tendencies). Now that you have the journal, begin writing daily entries, try and be specific. You most likely will have to do this in the bathroom, so other people don’t see you writing it.
Here are a few examples:
March 3, 2009 – I am still afraid of the dark, thank God for the rainbow colored Tele-tubby night light my parents bought me for Christmas. I don’t know what I would do without it.
March 4, 2009 – I woke up wet again this morning. I am not sure why I keep wetting the bed, I am embarrassed. This is the 8th time this month I had to wash my Rocky and Bullwinkle sheets.
March 5, 2009 – I think I figured out why I keep wetting the bed, I had a violent night terror dream last night. In the dream my neighbor, Mr. Cohen, broke into my room and stole all the My Little Pony collection that I have been saving over the years.
March 6, 2009 – Mr. Cohen was back in my dream last night. He broke back into my room. He brought back a few of the My Little Pony Collection. He put two of them back on the self and he took the third out of his pocket and he tickled my genitals with the pony hair.
March 9, 2009 – Sorry for not writing for a while, I have been lazy. It was not a pleasant ride in on the bus this morning. My pants almost filled with runny poop water. PS – I scored Cher tickets for tonight’s concert, I have a boner.
Now all you have to do is plant it, so someone else finds it and reads it. The gossip will spread like wild fire. It is ingenious!
2) The Mad Flusher
I cannot take credit for this one. My boy Hambone has mastered this craft and he has gotten me on it a few times. It is hysterical to say the least. It is a simple concept; you go into the bathroom and call someone and when they answer the phone you flush the toilet then you hang up the phone. I never laughed so hard when he did this to me. I couldn’t figure out who was doing it. He got me like 5 or 6 times, each time was funnier then the next.
3) Gulp your drink
This comes in handy when the person next to you is annoying. I prefer to use a Big Gulp from Seven-Eleven. With every sip of the soda, I GULP as loud as I can. After about 14 sips, the person will stand up and stare at you; signaling that they can hear you. Your point is almost across now you just need to stare back at them and take one more sip and GULP even louder.
The best is when you get to the bottom of the soda and you make that crazy slurping noise, on top of the gulp. After you are done, sigh confidently as if you were never so refreshed.
If the co-working makes a comment about how he/she is happy you are finally done, head out and buy a 44 ounce soda and begin the process over again.
4) Make Phony phone calls
You have to be 100% positive that someone is eavesdropping on you. Just pick up the phone and dial a fake number and sit back and talk some crazy shit.
Here are some examples:
Example Number 1 - “Hello, Doctor Lanoce. Yeah, it’s Walt. You told me to call if the rash got worse. (Pause – while listening) Yeah, it started below the sack, and it is now all over my southern region. (Pause– while listening) Yes, the head is now completely swollen. (Pause – while listening) No, it doesn’t effect my urination. My feelings are hurt though. (Pause – while listening) Oh, you think it may be very contagious. I see.”
Example Number 2 – “What’s up Mikey? (Pause– while listening) What do you mean he doesn’t have my f*cking money? (Pause– while listening) Well you tell that son of a bitch to get my money, or I’ll break his f*cking legs!” Hang up the phone forcefully.
You get the idea.
Reader Comments (11)
I think this is best pictures I've ever seen to your posts. I also like your journal ideas and the flush call...kind of a more mature "UpperDecker" joke for people over 25.
I love waltsense and his humor! Great blogs and good way to pass time while working keep it up!
OK, I wanna work with you.
My teachers would LOVE to hear me having one of those phone conversations I'm sure.
None of these are that effective when working from home. I've tried them myself...
CB Jones, you are actually in the best position to be the ultimate MAD FLUSHER!!! You should pay the phone company to list your phone number as a private caller. then dial away and flush in people ears.
You can do this ALL DAY LONG. That is the best!
"he tickled my genitals with the pony hair." Damn, I almost got a hard on!
Good humorous blog....... nice pics too. Keep posting.
I was enjoying every word and got the idea alright........thanks for the tips. Life feels so judicious now!
awesome dude, i haven't been reading blogs for a long time now. This one really forced me to read. Now i'm thinking of quitting my job :)
haha poop is funny.