This is an odd title, but one that is very close to my heart. I came up with this theory about a decade ago while watching the summer Olympics.

My beautiful wife was a swimmer her whole life and she got me into watching the swimming events in the Olympics (this is pre Michael “The Bong” Phelps’ era) and I was fascinated by the close ass finishes.

People were winning by a finger tip. It was amazing but it got me to thinking; how do they actually know who won?

I figured the answer was pretty simple, they probably used electronic sensory pads, which would dictate the time each swimmer touched the wall. They could also use under water video to collect the data for photo finishes, much like they do in horse racing.

I did some research and I came up with a totally different theory on this.

They use midgets. Hear me out on this one.

In each lane they put a midget from each respective country in a glass box and they give them a plunger. Their job is to intently watch the swimmers from the country the midgets are representing, and as soon as their swimmer touches the wall, the midgets have to bang their plungers furiously on to the top of the box, signaling that the swimmer has finished.

I cannot prove this, but I do think that I am not far off on this one. I think that is why Olympians carry a ton of luggage with them. This is where the midgets live; inside their luggage.

Supposedly midgets are very easy to train. They do have a tendency to bite ankles though, but that is curable.

The theory doesn’t end there. I have a feeling that the midgets are going to revolt. I have a feeling that they are going to take over the world. They hate living in luggage and their fingers are getting splintered up from the plungers banging.

We will know when the midget revolution begins too. How will we know you ask? That is a great question, and I am glad I ask myself this:

We’ll start to see midget construction workers. That how!

They are going to start building midget things to keep us normal sized folks out in the cold so we cannot fit into them. They are going to begin to exclude us from everything.

We may need to petition the government to release the secret midget repellent spray that they create in 1963, just in case the revolution turns violent. The normal sized folks don’t mind getting locked out of the newly built midget construction, but we will need our ankles.

We have to draw the line somewhere and the Waltdog like his ankles.

Think about it folks, before it is too late!