Five things the Waltdog would be great at (I think)
Friday, August 28, 2009 at 10:40AM 
I started my annual get back in shape trek about 2 weeks ago. I haven’t put on much weight this year, thanks to my David Hasslehoff cosmetic jaw surgery.
I am right where I want to be a plump 215 pounds of pure flab and hair. I look fantabulous!
The one thing that cracks me up is I always dread heading out for the first few runs and I have no idea why. I always feel way better after I get done. I have a ton of energy afterwards that I use to read the newspaper, watch television, play video games, surf the web and eat really, really bad food.
It feels great, I cannot wait to find an excuse to stop working out, just so I can take a two month break and then get back on this horse again. What a vicious cycle.
One other thing before I start the actual blog. What are manufactures of children’s toys thinking with that impossible to open plastic protection around the toy?
My Mother-In-Law bought my oldest son two Thomas the Train pieces the other day and I severed my little pinkie finger trying to open those bitches up. I was furious. The plastic must be made of steel or something.
I got a pair of scissor that initially broke the seal, but that was it. So I got a huge kitchen knife and used it as a saw and that didn’t do much better. (I think electronics come in the same plastic contraptions).
I wanted to take a chain saw to that piece of shit but I couldn’t find my goggles. Seriously! When did they start using this stuff and is there a way to even recycle it? It is hard as shit plastic that, when jagged, could chop someone’s head off in hand to hand combat.
Christmas is going to painful this year (and many, many years to come). I hope I find my goggles, or I will be missing a finger by next year.
Okay I was watching television the other day I saw an advertisement for the Pabst Blue Ribbon Rocks-Paper-Scissors tournament and it got me to thinking.
I would probably win this ever year I am just too lazy to participate. As Jerry Seinfeld would say, I CHOOSE NOT TO RUN!
I am seriously probably a top 5 rocks-paper-scissors players in the world. Here is a list of 5 things that I think I would dominate, even though I have never really tried them competitively.
5) The aforementioned rocks-paper-scissors
I dominate wifesense in this. That is my only gauge as to pure competition. I am seriously like 1082-0 against her. She won’t even play me anymore, especially when a trip to Dairy Queen in on the line, she knows her ass will be going. I will never partake in the PBR tournament, and some lucky bastard will benefit from me not entering and win the whole damn thing. (On a side note, 92.4% of guys subconsciously will select rock with their first toss, it is almost unavoidable, remember this kids!)
4) The Belly Flop
It looks really, really painful, but I have the perfect body for it. I am deceivingly fat. The other fatasses would giggle when I walked up to the diving board with my shirt on. Then when I take my shirt off and unleash the belly fury on their punk asses, it would be all over. I would clear at least 8 inches of water from the swimming pool, guaranteed. (On a side note, when I was younger I went off a high dive and thought I knew what I was doing. I dove head first, and wound up doing a half belly flop/face clap into the pool. I got a bloody nose and knocked the wind out of me, it may have been the worst three seconds of my life. That is the last time I went off a high dive.)
3) Connect Four
I have never competitively competed but I know I would dominate. I beat my friend Danny-A in four moves. That is almost impossible. You have to have the combination of great strategy and a stupid competitor to pull that off. It was a perfect Connect Four storm, so to speak. I have a feeling if there were world rankings I would be ranking easily in the top 3. I got mad Connect Four skills.
2) The Skate Board Half Pipe
I haven’t ridden a skateboard in probably twenty years, and I was terrible back then. This is purely based off of my skills in the old Nintendo game – Skate or Die. I was awesome at the half pipe in that game. I did have a terrible skate board accident when I was younger, in which I went down a huge hill and fell on my face from the speed wobbles. I broke both of my thumbs and knocked my front tooth out. This caused my little league baseball team to lose the B League championship. I gave up like 14 runs in 3 innings to the dreaded Indians. I hate them.
1) Riding an Electric Bull
I know I have talked about this in the past, but I feel like it is worth noted again. I have never seen an electric bull up close, let alone ridden one but I feel like I can ride one for days upon days. If I ever wind up in a Texas prison, I will pull a Gene Wilder and win ever single prison rodeo and use the rodeo as my breakout-out plan. I just hope I don’t wind up in the same cell as the real fat dude that can sing. He was pretty fat and scary.
Reader Comments (6)
good point about the unnecessary and dangerous packaging. and why are light bulbs, so fraaa-gi-lee, yet they are in the most flimsy packaging?
Walt, you strike me as the kind of guy who would rule at Chinese Checkers.
Chinese Checkers is so 1999.. I am really, really good at it though. I am practically part Chinese.
Advice for WaltSense Readers: Reading WaltSense right before bed can cause disturbing nightmares, including (but not limited to) blonde, cellulite-ridden bulls, rednecks, whales in swimsuits, and armed rocks.
I think you should be kept away from all toys and machinery.
By the way, that is the ugliest electric bull ever!
When you knocked out your tooth you should hve used a save-a-tooth kit...