Good Morning peeps and peepettes! My son got his first haircut this past weekend, he was hysterical. The barber had to bribe him with a lollipop, just to sit still. This was also his first encounter with a lollipop.

He studied the lollipop curiously, trying to figure out what to do with the thing. He stared at it, and then finally figured it out. His face was one of pure elation. It was priceless.

He couldn’t figure out how to get his hand out of the barber robe thingy, which kept forcing him to drop the lollipop on the ground. She had to go through about 8 lollipops just to get him finished up.

He looks awesome.

We did figure out that he only likes the blue lollipop; he hated all of the reds. He actually physically threw those on the ground. He was a riot.

Another funny thing happened to me this week at work. I got this text message from a phone number I didn’t recognize. It read: “I hate Walt.”

That is plan, simple and directly to the point. You cannot get any clearer than that message.

I am not offended. My friends have been ripping me to shreds for almost two decades and I have heard it all. I started laughing about it so I responded: “Who doesn’t? Walt is an ass hole.”

I got a phone call about two minutes later, the text message was from the staff person on my job, either she sent it to the wrong number and I got it, or I could believe her story and she meant to say she hated someone else.

I prefer to believe that she sent it to the wrong number and that she really does hate me, which makes it way funnier.

I am not sure why, but that got me to thinking. I am an ass hole; I love to argue, especially when I am sauced up. I feel like I can win any argument, as long as I stick to my general rules, my side will always prevail.

1) Use big words

 If you are anything like me, then your friends are really stupid. Using big words will throw them off. Even if you don’t know what the word means and you use it in the wrong context, chances are you opponent doesn’t know what it means either, so you are fine. For example: I am extraordinarily perplexed at what you are saying. These remarks are a direct indictment of your personification, and the nature/merits of your argument preclude me to make the judgment that you are indeed a bone-a-fide retard, which, in turn, makes your statements quasi retarded.

2) Be strong in your conviction

George Costanza said it best: “It is not a lie, if you believe it.” That could not ring truer when in an argument, especially when you know you are wrong. Just believe in what you are saying, and you will eventually be right. It is the law of nature. I could convince my wife that my parents named me after Cole Hamels, even though he was born 14 years after me and my name does not contain the word Cole or Hamels. You see, I really believe that my parents meant to name me Hamels Haley. Hamels is a German word that is derived from the Greek word Waltopolis, which essentially makes my first name Hamels, so you can now call me Hamels Haley.

3) Make things up, preferably using exact statistics and figures

This always works. People tend to believe your lie more, if you throw in a percentage or two, or exact figures. I remember getting into a heated conversation with my boy, Shama Lama, about cherry dip. My side of the argument was that girls think dipping is disgusting. He turned the argument to his side by throwing out this tidbit: “82.4% of women use cherry dip because of its delicious flavor.” I returned with: “Kev, I have never seen a girl with dip in her mouth before.” Kevin replied: “Well if they did dip, that would be the percentage of women who would prefer cherry dip.” How could I argue with that? Done and done.

4) Continuously cut the person off

This has a two fold effect:

1) it drives them crazy and they lose their train of thought.

 2) It gives your more time to audition your side to the public.

 I prefer to cut people off with the saying “that is beside the point” even though I don’t know what the point is and I have no idea if it is indeed, beside the point. Or I try and throw out as many clichés as possible, for example: Don’t piss off the alligator until you have crossed the river, you are going to hell in a hand basket, close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and pig shit fights, what is good for the goose is good for the gander, finders keepers losers weepers, you win some and you lose some and my personal favorite you say tomato and I say fuck you. If you can fit all of those in, you have master this craft and you will undoubtedly win the argument.

5) If everything else fails, be extremely offensive

This goes without saying. If you can string together a few select curse words about the other party’s mother, your chances of winning are pretty good. (Note: If you get to this level, chances are you will be missing some teeth in the morning, so it would behoove you to either carry a mouth guard, or a boxing helmet.)

Word to the Mutha!