Do They Serve Chilled Boxed Wine in Hell?
Tuesday, July 14, 2009 at 1:56PM 
I have been traveling lately, and it gets super boring, so I started reading a lot. I picked up this book called I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell by Tucker Max.
This dude is a douche bag, and I am sure he knows it. You don’t believe me? Google this dudes name and do some research on him. He has a message board chat in which he is talking about the upcoming movie release about this very book. The way he talks to his fans makes him seem even worse. He comes across like a pompous ass.
He has the audacity to discuss how much better his movie is than The Hangover. I hope his movie does well, I have nothing against this guy, shit; I hope he makes a ton of money on it.
But you can be humble about certain things and this guy obviously doesn’t know how to do anything but pet his own ego.
Critics will say that he cannot write all that well, I beg to differ. I think the way he writes is awesome. Some of his stories are hysterical and I am completely enthralled by them. I read 128 pages in less than two hours.
That is the equivalent of me finding a Bigfoot habitat or this mystical ‘G” Spot that people keep talking about on a woman. I am the slowest reader in the world and it is why I hate reading.
The gist of this guy’s book revolves around stories of him having crazy sex with women who are extremely insecure. The funny thing about this scenario is him preying on insecure women, then bragging about it, makes him seem extremely insecure, which he no doubt is. He has some serious issues.
My funny friend Bunndini and I always talk about how we punched our tickets to hell a long, long time ago and this is probably true. I really hope not as chances are we will be surrounded by douche bags like Tucker.
I may be on the straight and narrow from now on. I am contemplating joining the priesthood.
It got me to thinking about the groups of people I have the least in common with.
I may have talked about this before, hell I may have even blogged about it, but I don’t care, this point needs reiterating:
5. Guys with game.
I am so far on the opposite end of the spectrum on this one. I am closer to the geeks huddled around their computers discussing the latest X-Men comic book series. I am fascinated by guys who know how to charm the ladies, it is truly a talent. I would much rather stand around the bar with my friends and laugh my ass off though. Most of the guys with game become so focused and consumed with landing the ladies that they are missing the point. You need to head out, hang with the boys, laugh your face off, get whacked and fall for peer pressure. It is how I started streaking and continue to streak to this very day. They need to let the chips fall where they may.
4. Meatheads
I am not talking about guys who care what they look like and work out diligently. I can actually appreciate them (I am not a big fan of the tight shirts, but I can let that slide). I am talking about the guys who spend 17 hours a day at the gym, gathered around a weight bench, wearing a shirt from the exact gym that they have a membership at. Listen, it is obvious to us you work out at this particular gym because YOU ARE AT THE GYM! The crazy part about this group of guys is how they stand around talking about how quickly they just drank their Muscle Milk and how their new pair of tight jeans makes their shrunken testicles look bigger than they are. They stand around talking and I have never actually seen one of them pick up a single dumb bell, yet they walk around like they are carrying two buckets of water in each hand. These “Bucket” types are flexing every muscle they have 24/7. I have zero in common with this crew. I never had back acne either. I do have a zit on my heinie that is killing me though.
3. Politically passionate people
I am not talking about the people that casually like to talk about the news or politics every once in a while. They are actually the ones that know what they are talking about because they seem to see through the bullshiznit. I am talking about people who are so freaking passionate that they only follow one avenue in politics. I am not even remotely interested in politics; I can’t even watch the news because I hate the topic so much. Listen, if you are a die hard staunch Republican, you can still care about the environment. I am not the sharpest knife in the drawer. And to you Tree Hugging Democrats out there, in order to sustain our Freedom of Speech, and all the great luxuries that we are provided in America, we need a strong ass military, and we need to spend cash on it. It is okay to venture across the aisle on certain subject and you can keep your morals in the process.
2. New York Mets/Dallas Cowboys fans
I hate them, they seem to only want to talk about their teams when their teams are good. You cannot find them anywhere when their teams suck. Philadelphia fans are the best (and probably the most annoying).
1. – Douche Bags
You know who you are and I hate you.
PS – I had to iron my shirt this morning and I have on question for the people who make irons out there: Why do you make it so difficult to put water in the iron? Seriously, I think you may need a PHD in Physics to figure out how to fill an iron up with water. I filled up a glass of water and gingerly tried to pour it into the small, pressure filled hole. The water ran down my arm, covered my boxer shorts and soaked the slippery tile floor, and none of it got into the iron. I wanted to smash the iron on the ground then I remember that I don’t give a shit what I look like and I left a wrinkled mess.
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Reader Comments (6)
Awesome book but it can get tiring. Good beach book. Dude is full of himself but smart enough to make millions of it. He got game with the dumb ladies...that's for sure.
Hey great site!
I was wondering if you wanted to exchange links with us. Let me know if this is possible.
Jason
I hope they serve margaritas in hell...good post:)
Nice compilation. I too have nothing in common with Mets fans. I probably have more in common with Philly fans, though I'd never pelt Santa with snowballs. David Wright, certainly. But not Santa.
If they don't serve boxed wine in hell, I don't wanna go.
Yep, you pretty much summed it up... that douche bag picture is priceless