Good afternoon boys and girls! The Waltdog has a special treat for you. Wifesense finally got around to writing an article for Waltsense. She will be gracing these pages periodically, throwing her unwanted two cents around.

Without further hesitation, I bring the enlightened words from Wifesense:

Hello to all you loyal Waltsense readers. It is the Wifesense here. I decided I needed to chime in once and while, so without further ado.

Sometimes when I read Walt’s articles I just shake my head and think, what the hell is going through this guy’s head, or any man’s head for that matter. Of course, Walt has already answered this question for us, absolutely nothing.

90% of the time, they are not thinking about anything at all. It is so hard for us women to conceive of that particular notion. We are lucky if there is 1% of our life when a woman does not have a mission, a purpose, a goal, or just something she is pondering.

Women are constant thinkers and constant doers.

In addition to not being able to fathom having a blank mind, there are 5 other things that we women will never understand about men (but they are also the things that make us different and the things that make us love you idiots too: Go figure.)

I’ll explain at the end.

Here is the list of 5 things that Men do that Women cannot understand:

1) Strippers/Strip Clubs

Unlike some women, I am not offended by the notion of guys hitting up strip clubs. I just don’t understand it. Why are guys obsessed with naked ladies and chicks they can’t date or usually can’t even touch?

I look at my guy friends and their wives/girlfriends and the girls are in great shape. They are generally beautiful women, yet their men (Walt included) would think nothing of spending a few hundred dollars at a bachelor party to see a ton of naked ladies and get some stupid lap dance(s).

These ladies are laughing as they take your money. The whole time, these idiots have a prettier girl at home. This is just confusing to me. Maybe we need to be home doing lap dances instead of the wash? We’ll pay for the stripper to come to our houses and do the wash and we’ll do the lap dances. Done and done! Mystery solved.

2) Long potty time and loving poop/farts

I don’t understand men’s obsession with poop. Ironically, many of them run at the site of a poopy diaper but have no issue talking about having to go drop their own duce then sitting on the toilet for two hours reading SI or ESPN.

For women, it is nature’s call. We do number two as fast as we can and we don’t like to even admit it has ever been done. This holds true for farting too.

Men are proud of farting; versus women walking away quickly from their farts as if they never happened!

Even our 15-month-old son seems obsessed with farts. He laughs at his own. The other day my brother (his famous Uncle Ed) farted and he actually clung to his leg, sniffed and laughed. (Oh no, all my hope for this new generation is gone.)

3) Men claim to have a bad memory

As I was writing this article, it dawned on me what a load of crap this is. Men are sorry they couldn’t remember to pick up the milk on the way home and they use the excuse of having a bad memory.

Oh no sirs, we are not buying it.

You know why? Because you idiots can each recite the entire dialogue from movies like Pulp Fiction, Monty Python or Tommy Boy, verbatim.

You idiots know Nolan Ryan’s strike out rate during his rookie year. Men know how many yards Brian Westbrook rushed for in the last 2 years. So you could remember the freaking milk! This notion ties back to my husband testifying that 90% of the time there is nothing going on in his head, which means that 90% of the time, men are not listening to women.

All we are asking for is 1% of the 10% occupied space to be for listening. Please!

4) Man’s belief that Marriage is like a death sentence

Why do married guys all joke (or maybe not joke) to single guys about how they shouldn’t get married? They testify about how your fun times end so they should try to stay single forever.

Really, you guys really believe this?

Would one of you married men please go on record for saying that married life is the best thing that ever happened to you? Need we remind you of the fact that most of you have it so good?

You men actually convinced one of us women to spend the rest of our lives with you, to come home and sleep with your farting selves. Most of the women out there probably cook and clean for you, bear your children, live forever with sports center in the background, laugh at your crude jokes, still hug and kiss you when you are covered in sweat from playing basketball (which you do in an attempt to prove to the neighbors that you resemble Michael Jordan on the court), and hug you with drippings from the Schmitter you ate at lunch down your shirt, need I go on?

This is a plea for married men to finally call the truth. It ain’t so bad. In fact, single life is worse, remember?

5) That men are afraid of childbirth

This is true for about half the male population. Before we had our first son, Walt and all his friends would talk, and they all agreed that none of them wanted to be in the delivery room and the delivery process is scary for them. They’ll never be able to look down stairs in the same light ever again, so if they are called on to be present in the delivery room all men should stay by the head; at all costs.

Generally, guys seem petrified at the concept and they genuinely seem grossed out by it.

Really, umm hello, imagine that going on to you!

Luckily, Walt was a knight in shining armor. I’ll admit he was first in line to say he wouldn’t prefer to be in the delivery room, and in the thick of things, Walt was hands on, literally. Walt says as soon as he saw our son’s head, he was captivated.

So with the last comment, it brings me to why we, as women, and as much as we don’t understand these things, they make us love you jackasses even more.

For example, I knew Walt was probably legitimately freaked out by the notion that he was going to see our son born, but when I was struggling through labor, he was there by my side. He was making me laugh so hard I forgot about the pain.

It is why we cheer when we watch you play wiffleball in the backyard with your friends and are secretly turned on that you still have that athletic manliness about you (regardless of the sweat and hot dog stains on your shirt). After we freak out that you forgot the milk, we appreciate that you randomly bring home ten boxes of Lucky Charms because they were on sale.

We’ll never understand each other fully, but we wouldn’t want to live with out our idiots either.

PS – I can’t understand how Walt has the patience to write ever day, this is hard!!