An Apple a Day Will Bring the Tooth Fairy Your Way
Friday, April 24, 2009 at 12:05PM 
I have a quick question/observation to note. I work in an environment requiring 4 or 5 individuals to cram into a conference room for months at a time.
We seriously sit on top of one another. It is a race into the office to see who gets the best seats available.
In this profession you better have good hygiene and you better be sure of yourself. This is my question: Why would someone in this situation consider bringing in an apple to eat for breakfast? I know it is healthy. An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Not if I knock your front teeth out first!
Apples are the loudest, most obnoxious fruit that you can choose to eat. Ever bite sounds like a person is chewing on a dog bone.
For the past two days, I have had the privilege to sit next to someone eating an apple. Every bite they take makes my blood run cold. It is a disgusting sound. I love apples, and I encourage eating them, but there are times and places that call for better fruit selection.
If you really need to eat an apple, don’t do it in a tight room, full of people. Go outside. It would be like slurping up a big bowl of chicken noodle soup in a library.
Seriously, you couldn’t bring in a banana?
Heck, we should just go out and bring in some watermelon and start spitting the seeds every where.
I would prefer these people start chewing the bark off a pineapple. It probably makes less noise.
Girl sitting next to me: “CHOMP! CHOMP! CHOMP!”
(She blankly stares at me, as my face turns flush with disgust.) I feel dizzy.
Girl sitting next to me: “CHOMP!”
(My mouth fills with that copper taste, the taste you get when you are about to throw-up all over yourself.)
Girl sitting next to me: “CHOMP! This is a really good apple. CHOMP! So what are we going to do for lunch today? CHOMP!”
(I promptly pass out and smash my face onto my laptop computer.)
When I awaken 45 minutes later, the “F’ key and the “L” key are stuck to my face, this is all I can hear: “CHOMP!”
I think she just finished eating the apple core and the arm rest on her chair.
It is Friday people so it is time to get some serious drink on. Or if you are me, you will go home eat dinner and be in bed by 8:30! Thank God it is getting nice out!
Let me start it off, 'cause I'm a player
Fade into part two, I'm the number-one ho layer
A mack, a player, and a pimp
Something much stronger than your average drink
Now correct me if I'm wrong, I'm like moonshine
Take a sip of my rhyme and I take over your mind
'Cause I don't think like the average thinker
Call me the nightstalker of your neighbourhood headshrinker
187 is like a megablast
I take too many names, I kick too much ass.
Amen Brother!
Reader Comments (11)
If the girl is hot - it's pretty funny to watch her eat a banana. Scratch that - any girl eating a banana is funny. Yes - it's immature and falic but women would think its funny if we had two melons on our table for lunch and we had our head down munching them.
I am going to make it a point to eat two melons in the exact way Lingo describes today.
Oh my lord I am laughing out loud in my cube!! Yeah, that's right Walt, I get my very own cube. The person next to me is probably almost as irritated at me as you were with the Apple Chomper.
What if it's a candy apple?
I hate her soooo bad. Whoever she is. I have a guy who brings a giant cup of ice to every meeting, We call him Cap'n Crunch.
I wholeheartedly agree. The only thing worse than seeing someone's food in their mouth is hearing it. Some people just don't care or are totally oblivious of the possibility that they may be annoying someone. The same goes for people with long hair flicking it all around in a tight meeting, or people who have poured on their whole bottle of cologne and now you can't smell or taste anything because their smell is so overwhelming. Please don't tell her to bring in a banana. The smell of a banana can bring me to nausea after a while. Even when I eat one, I wrap the peel in paper so it doesn't wreak from my trash can. We just need to do better with our impressions that we are making. What if you became the boss, and had to choose between her & someone else for a promotion? If she knew how her behavior could affect her later, she may make a different decision.
Are you gay?
*EDIT - Are you gay walt?
I'm guilty of bringing apples to work, but they're small and I start eating them in the kitchenette. So I'm guessing people only have to hear 45 bites from me. But now I'm all nervous, so I think I'll switch to something with a soft skin. Oh, and I have an ice-eater in my office. I want to beat him senseless.
Oh, for crying out loud, I meant 4-5 bites, not 45!
Ice-eaters are the WORST! CRUNCH-CRUNCH-CRUNCH. UGGGH!