House Chores Blow!
Monday, April 20, 2009 at 1:10PM 
I am currently sitting in a conference room with about 5 co-workers. One of them has not stopped talking to me since I sat down. My ears are bleeding. At first I didn’t know what to do. It is Monday and I really thought that everyone knew not to talk to anyone else.
I thought this was an unwritten rule that everyone avoids eye contact and talking. This girl obviously didn’t get the memo. So I am going to bring back the “sssh”.
I am simple going to put my finger up to my lips and sssh her!
Girl: “Walt where are the documents located?”
Walt: “Sssh!”
Girl: “Walt, where are the bathrooms?”
Walt: “Sssh!”
Girl: “Walt, where is the power button to my computer?”
Walt: “Sssh! It’s quiet time. Walt don’t like to talky.”
I haven’t ssshed anyone in a really long time. It is time I start that back up.
This past weekend my beautiful wife and her pregnant posse went down to Nashville to visit their only non-pregnant friend. It was a wild weekend for them!
I was left home to tend after the sheep and was left a laundry list of chores to do.
I had to paint 6 rooms, watch my son, watch my brother-in-law, walk my brother-in-law’s dog, walk my brother-in-law, feed my son and trim the hedges.
Thank God it was absolutely gorgeous out this weekend. I spent about 45 seconds outdoors. Awesome!
It got me to thinking: What are the worst chores?
I had to rank these by certain criteria:
a) You wind up absolutely filthy from doing it.
b) You may encounter bugs (which I am deathly afraid of)
c) You may die or at least cause yourself bodily harm by performing it the wrong way and
d) you put off doing it for as long as possible, because it is absolutely exhausting and you are praying your significant other will eventually get fed up and do it his/herself. Essentially, you are too lazy to do it.
5) Pumping out water from the basement
Every time we get significant rain, our basement floods with water. Thank God we have a 3 gallon wet vacuum to suck it up! It only fills up 38 times and I have to gingerly walk it up the steps, avoiding spilling the dirty rain water, to dump it outside. Awesome! Every time I go down the basement, it seems like 8,000 spiders were born too, making this chore extra special for Walt.
4) Mowing the lawn
This may change now that baby number two is on the way. I may want to be outside as much as possible. We have .75 acres of land and a push mower with a small bag attached to it.
For every 3 feet of grass I mow, the bag fills up. I have had poison ivy since we moved into the house. I think I’ve had it on my eyeball once. Unless we get a riding mower this summer, or at least a beermeister, Walt is going to be miserable.
3) Cleaning out the rain gutters
I didn’t realize how dirty, disgusting and dangerous this job was. I almost fell off the roof 15 times. Most of the falls were caused by me reaching into the gutters and pulling out a nest of bugs and promptly freaking out and running around screaming like an 8-year old school girl. I was not put on this earth to do this. Why are these bugs living in the gutter anyway? Don’t they drown every time it rains? Stupid bugs!
2) Raking the leaves
This blows. Even when I wear gloves, my hands get all blistered up; rendering my porn watching abilities virtually useless. As soon as the first leaf falls off of a tree, I pretend I am deaf. This non-hearing condition is called pornblisteritis. Look it up!
1) Listening to my wife talk when she is excited about something
This is the most dangerous chore on my list. When my wife is excited about something, the first three syllables that come out of her mouth are extremely high pitched, sort of like a dog whistle. Within a three mile radius every mirror cracks, every glass breaks, every dog rolls around in agony and everyone not wearing ear muffs has their ear drums shattered to pieces.
(I just typed the word muff…)
Reader Comments (7)
I was going to add cleaning the tiolet but their is an immediate satisfication as you can get to take a dump on a clean crapper. Cleaning out basemen/garage is terrible but painting really blows....you get cramped up and your back and legs always kill.
I like the smell of paint. That is why it didn't make my list.
See... you need to get yourself a husband. WHAT? That's what you husbands do.. why shouldn't husbands have husbands that can do all the crap the husbands don't wanna do?
Oh well I tried
Last time I checked Waltdog I wasn't preggo! :)
Kelly, are you sure? You may want to check. These things tend to pop up on you. Trust me...
i couldn't agree w/ you more on the wet basement dry vacking. water is heavy! since it's rained every other day this month, i have that to look forward to after work.
pornblisteritis
Ha ha ha! That's a good one, I will pass that along to my husband and all my guy friends.