The Mustache - 7 Degrees of Awesomeness
Wednesday, March 18, 2009 at 11:02AM 
I have found my new theme song. In the immortal words of Akon:
I see you in the club, you gettin' down',
I wanna get with you
I see you in the club, you showin' thugs love
That wanna get with you
[Chorus:]
You're so beautiful, So damn beautiful
Said you’re so beautiful, So damn beautiful
You're so beautiful
Chicks have been singing that to me for years and I have never even been in the presence of thugs. I am surprised it hadn’t caught on sooner.
Anyway, I was chatting with my buddy Snickers the other day and we were talking about the mustache. He noticed not many people have them anymore and it is a crying shame. The mustache is an awesome look. Even Tom Selleck and Alex Trebek have shaved off their mustaches, those idiots.
I know fashion statements are cyclical in nature. They go away only to reappear years later. I just hope the mustache doesn’t turn out to be the next powdered wig, which never made back into circulation. (How come bald people don’t try and bring back the powdered wig? That would be great too.)
I do have a theory on how we can assure that the mustache stays with us forever. First we have to talk about the different degrees of the mustache.
Degree Number 1 – The Alex Trebeck – This is the category that most distinguished gentlemen with mustaches fall into. They grow the mustache perfectly and keep it trimmed and neat. The downfall with this category is that most of the people that wear the Alex Trebek are the people that you want to punch in the face.
Degree Number 2 – The Tom Selleck – This mustachioed man resembles perfection. They are usually tough and rough, like a cowboy or the Marlboro man. This is a tough degree to join, because you usually have to have certain features: tall, dark and handsome. They usually grow their mustaches in a little thicker to let everyone know how awesome they are. Kudos Tom Selleck! Now grow your freaking mustache back in! It probably only takes him 48 minutes to grow one anyway.
Degree Number 3 – The John Holmes – This is the classic porn star mustache. The mustaches are typically cheesy and thin. You know the guy wants to be a playboy. He most likely has his apartment decked out with scented candles and massage oils. You definitely need to own a smoking jacket and one of those old looking vans to be in this category. I don’t know too many people currently in this category.
Degree Number 4 - The Robert Goulet (aka) The Big Gay Al - This is a thinner type mustache that you can tell the person colors in. It almost looks fake or drawn on with a magic marker. This is the category that I would want to be in. This is the best mustache category.
Degree Number 5 – The Goose Gossage – You have to be really tough to fit into this category. These mustaches are crazy. The people wearing them have most likely murdered someone and they could easily break your face in two with one single blow. When you see a Goose Gossage, keep your distance.
Degree Number 6 – The Rollie Fingers - The classic handlebar mustache is awesome. These dudes have to be pretty wealthy in order to afford all of that mustache wax. I am envious. I picture the gentleman in this category being able to juggle bowling pins while they drive around on their old fashioned tricycle, (the bikes with the huge from tire and small back wheels.) They are extremely talented individuals, and they would have to be to pull this look off.
Degree Number 7 –The Wolf Boy - It is estimated approximately 50 people in the entire world sport this mustache. It covers your entire freaking face. This is best reserved for only the hardest core of all mustache aficionados, but if you want a unique look, this is the way to go.
My theory about keeping the mustache in the limelight would be for everyone who loves the mustache to pony up some dough so we could sponsor a few baseball players to grow mustaches and to invest in a few porn stars as well. Whether we like it or not, they are both trend setting industries. We could supply them each with a life time supply of tiny mustache combs.
Think about it people. I will start collecting soon.
Reader Comments (5)
There are mustaches all over at work. Typically they are of the Tom Selleck variety. Most are tall and dark, but I wouldn't call them handsome. I think they all have man-crushes on Tom Selleck.
Alex Trebek looks very ugly compared to Tom Selleck - that handsome devil.
Most dudes with thicker mustaches do indeed have a man crush on Tom Selleck. He is one handsome devil.
I prefer my women to have mustaches.
This was so informative yet so hilarious all in one!!! I love it so much, I'll be sending my readers your way today/this weekend! Absolutely stachetacular!!!
Holy crap. I just made up the greatest word EVER!!!
STACHETACULAR!!!