The Disposable Diaper and Baby Wipes
Thursday, March 12, 2009 at 12:22PM 
I just went cah-cah, poopy in my farty pants. My wife’s Aunt Kate made us ham and bean soup over the weekend and we had it last night for dinner.
My rear end has been filling the air with beautiful scents and trumpet sounds ever since. I love beans.
Beans, beans are good for your heart,
The more you eat them the more you fart.
The more you fart the better you feel,
So eat beans at every meal.
My wife also makes the best baked beans in the whole wide world. It is one of my favorite parts of cooking out.
Beans, beans, the musical fruit,
Make your pants go tooty-toot.
The more you eat, the better you feel,
So eat beans for every meal.
That isn’t why I am writing about the disposable diaper though. I just thought everyone reading this would want to know that I am practically pooping my pants all day today.
I had a mean case of the cold sweats on the bus ride this morning. I was holding on for dear life. Thanks Aunt Kate!
I was dropping my son off at daycare this morning and I had to re-supply his stash of diapers and baby wipes. It got me thinking; what the heck did people do before the disposable diaper?
It was either cloth diapers or brown paper bags. I think some parents probably gave up and used contact paper. Ouch!
Plus, kids couldn’t put them on their head to look like ninjas!
The cloth diapers were most prevalent. They are the ones you see babies wearing in the old cartoons with the big baby pins and the storks used these to carry them for delivery.
Storks are crazy. How did they ever get picked to be the birds that deliver babies? How come it wasn’t something cool like an eagle, or a hawk?
I remember there was a diaper laundry service close to this recreation center we used to play at. It was called Dye-Dee Diaper Service. It made the whole block smell God awful. My dad grew up directly across the street from this place and, to this day, he still smells like baby poop. Zing!
How the heck did parents deal with that back then? They had to have a huge collection of cloth diapers (which had to be pretty expensive) and an even bigger stack of dirty diapers waiting to get picked up. That corner of the house where the dirty diapers resided would eventually have to be quarantined off, right?
You would have to walk around the house wearing gas masks and hazmat suits. God forbid if you had twins.
Disposable diapers are so easy to put on too. You hold the baby down pull it up and tape that sucker down. It takes less than a minute to do and it only requires one parent. Not 6 people.
You do wind up covered in baby powder and diaper rash cream, but it is better then being covered in baby formula/processed fruit filled poop.
And what about baby wipes? I use them myself. I never felt so clean! What did our parents use?
I vaguely remember my pop using a plastic Stroehmann's bread bag, some sea shells, a shoe horn and a ball of yarn to wipe me. Needless to say, I probably continued to smell like poop when I was done.
I couldn’t see myself mastering putting on a cloth baby diaper either. It takes me 15 tries to tie a necktie properly. I would wind up putting on the baby pin and as I pick up my son, my right arm and left foot would somehow be tied inside the diaper. I would be all twisted up.
I would eventually give up on the cloth diaper process and just let my son run around the house naked and poop where ever he wanted to. He could wipe himself on the carpet or I could take him outside and hose him down (that would suck in the winter though. It leads to chapped ass.)
We would eventually have to train him to go in a box filled with kiddy litter. Get it? Kiddy litter instead of kitty litter: I am a comedic genius!
I am assuming that is why, back then, a lot of parents would drink and smoke cigarettes right through the pregnancies. They knew what was waiting them on the horizon.
It all comes full circle. There will be some new invention in diapers that our kids will be blogging about as they change us in the old folk’s home. Bingo!
When your stomach starts a rollin'
and you're cleaning out your colon:
Diarrhea, (Pfff. Pfff) diarrhea.
Toilet paper you need to gather
and your butt worked up a lather.
Diarrhea, (Pfff. Pfff) diarrhea
When you're on the seat for hours
and it doesn't smell like flowers:
Diarrhea, (Pfff. Pfff) diarrhea.
When your stomach really hurts,
and you know that it’s the squirts:
Diarrhea, (Pfff. Pfff) diarrhea.
When you do a little dance
and it's gooey in your pants:
Diarrhea, (Pfff. Pfff) diarrhea
Have a good day folks!
Reader Comments (4)
When you're sliding into first
And your pants begin to burst
That's diarrhea, (Pfff, pfff) diarrhea
When you're sliding into two
And your pants are filled with goo
That's diarrhea, (Pfff, pfff) diarrhea
When you're sliding into third
And you feel a greasy turd
That's diarrhea, (Pfff, pfff) diarrhea
When you're sliding into home
And your pants are filled with foam
That's diarrhea, (Pfff, pfff) diarrhea
My boy EJ sings that song so well. It is awesome. He says diarear instead of diarrhea. It is classic. He makes great fart noises too.
Sorry about that, but your information on cloth diapers is extremely out of date. the ones now fit just like a disposable, only it has snaps to fasten the diaper on. to me, using the cloth is alot more convenient than disposables because my son does not scream and try to kick the diaper away like he did with disposables. he is way more comfortable in the cloth as well because his butt does not get all red and imprinted because of the flimsy inner leg elastics on disposables. oh yeah, you wanna know the best part? no more leaks or blowouts with these cloth diapers!
holy....!!! what is this? the celelbration of the new year day, or the next day after this celebration? I has never seen a man disguised like a baby, well at least he don't Buy Viagra Online, becuase with only some drinks, this men end in this, I can't imagine how will end with this product!!!