The Watchmen Review: I Need More Rorschach!

Who watches the Watchmen? It should read more like who watches the Watchmen’s gigantic blue schlong for 2 hours and 45 minutes.

They had Dr. Manhattan’s package floating around the screen for half of the movie. I wanted to gouge my eyes out with the straw from my cherry coke.

I sat next to Jimmy and I never saw a smile so wide on his face before. He was like a kid in a giant blue candy store.

My friends and I went to see the movie last night, on an IMAX screen. It was only the second movie that I saw in IMAX. The first was American Gangster, which is not exactly known for its special effects.

So I’ll say that the Watchmen movie was my first real trip to an IMAX theater. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I wasn’t expecting what I saw.

We got there about 15 minutes before the movie started and the theater was already wall to wall packed. The room filled with a sea of dorks. They should really think about pumping some Lysol into that place to combat the body odor. Or maybe hand out clothes pins to the normal showering folks.

Seriously, take a freaking shower!

A note to all of you smelly dorks out there. (You have to know who you are):

I know you rarely come outside because you are allergic to the sun, busy enhancing your C++ skills and you are worried that the temperature in your parents basement may drop significantly with your absence, possibly damaging the packaging of your Star Wars figurine collection. But do us all a favor and take a shower at least once a week. Or sell your Boba Fett doll and buy a year’s worth of deodorant.

Save yourself the freaking embarrassment. Trust me; smelling good opens up doors for people, smelling bad closes them.

This should’ve been our first real indication about how our night was going to turn out.

Back to the movie, the graphic novel is probably the best collection of comic book writing I have come across in my 25 plus years of reading them. The movie, for the most part, stayed pretty true to the comic book series so I am sure that true fans of the graphic novel will not be too disappointed.

I think it would be in the production company’s best interest to make this movie as enjoyable as possible for everyone. Not alienate 90% of the movie going population.

I really don’t know how anyone that has not read, or is not extremely familiar with the novel would even remotely enjoy the movie, especially coming out on the heels of Iron Man and The Dark Knight, two fantastic and enjoyable comic book movies. The latter being the best comic book movie I have ever scene.

I actually read the Watchmen and I loved it. I have to say that I was really disappointed with the movie version. I thought it was going to be action packed from beginning to end and it seemed really slow. I had trouble keeping my eyes open and as I would doze off, I would catch a sniff of the Italian hoagie smelling armpits surrounding me. That worked better then smelling salts.

There were some fantastic shots in the Watchmen but I was expecting much more creativity. Zack Snyder directed 300 and that movie was awesome and the cinematography was beautiful and stayed true to Frank Miller’s vision in the graphic novel. He sort of did the same with the Watchmen. I think he worried too much about the comic book community though.

In my humble opinion, he really struck out with this one. Some of the graphics were awesome and the beginning sequence was pretty cool but it was missing something – ACTION!

The only real action sequence revolved around Rorschach. Jackie Earle Haley was awesome! I wish they would have honed in on his character more. The scene of him with the meat cleaver was great. Other then Rorschach, the movie seemed to drift on.

If you are going to hold people hostage for almost 3 hours, you have to throw them a bone. If you have to, move away from the story line a little and give us more action.

I want to actually write about some movie scenes, and the movie itself, but I am trying to get rid of the image of this giant, blue ball sack dancing around in my head.

I did happen to stumble upon (and find) next year’s Halloween costume: Silk Spectre. I look fantastic in tight leather.

Comments

[Rocker]

the movie was great....great if i was comic book nerd who worried about keeping it real to the script. Cool job of showing time through the montage and the music rocked ...but your correct - to much blue penis. 3 boob scenes were a nice throw the straight guys a bone.