A Few Steps to Help Some of You Dorks Get the Ladies
Thursday, February 19, 2009 at 1:25AM 
I see all of these pencil neck geeks walking around, talking in Klingon to one another as they discuss the newest application they download to their iPhones. It makes me feel sad inside my tummy. It reminds me of how I felt when I thought E.T. died or how I felt at the end of Braveheart or Gladiator, and of course, how I felt when Brett Favre retired for the 7th time.
I have had whoopie between 10-12 times in my life (with two different chicks) so I am practically an expert on the subject.
It is time for me to give back to the geek community. It all starts with a little bit of advice for all those coke bottle glasses, flood pant wearing nerds out there.
Here are a few steps to help you possibly get laid, or maybe, get you on the receiving end of a kiss or two. (We should start with baby steps here.)
Step One – Polish your shoes or go out and buy a fresh new pair of sneakers. Girls notice this kind of stuff. Part two to this step; if you wear sneakers you must wear jeans. There are no exceptions to the previous sentence.
Step Two – This step actually seems like a given, but comb your hair. You may actually want to visit a barbershop too. This means you have to stop having your roommate/mother cut your hair just so you can save a few bucks. This is not the area you want to cut corners.
At some point girls will definitely notice your face and head. They will notice that your sideburns are two different lengths and that you have a bald spot on the side of your head. Trust me here, you should splurge and spend 14 bucks on a decent haircut.
Step Three – Carry mints and gum with you at all times. Fresh breath is the key to success.
Step Four – Lose the phone clip that is attached to your belt. This may be the worst look out there besides the mullet. While you are at it, make sure that your belt matches the color of your shoes. If you have black shoes on, wear a black belt (brown shoes = brown belt) it’s that simple.
I see this fashion faux pas way too often. It is a simple thing to fix.
I know the excuse for most offenders of this step is they only own one belt. Why did you buy a pair of black shoes if you owned a brown belt? That makes no sense. You have to start thinking about this stuff before you buy your next pair of Docksiders, or just simply buy a black and brown belt.
Step Five – If you are lucky and you secured a date with an actual woman, take her out for drinks instead of dinner. This step serves two purposes: 1) Drinks loosens them up and that is exactly what you want. 2) If she doesn’t find you the least bit interesting, you will be able to tell. This way you won’t be stuck paying for an expensive dinner either.
You just slam the rest of your wine cooler and excuse yourself and head to the little boys room. You promptly sneak out the back and leave that chick. She was no good anyway. (You also may get a good buzz going too, so the night wasn’t a complete waste.)
Step Six – If step five is working, this next step is the most painful and the most crucial of steps. You have to listen to them. I know women tend to babble and spit out pointless conversations about how their day went and what Beyonce’s new fragrance smells like. Just hang in there, there is a point to all this and the end result could be glorious.
Step Seven – If your ears don’t fall off or bleed profusely until you pass out from step six, then you can suggest maybe getting a bite to eat. If you do get here, carry a Tide to go pen. If you are anything similar to me, you are guaranteed to spill something down the front of your shirt. If you whip out a Tide pen, you are guaranteed to earn some brownie points with the babe. You can never rack up enough brownie points. You may even save your favorite shirt in the process.
Well that about sums it up.
Disclaimer: I have never really followed my own advice. So if you see some dude sitting down the end of the bar by himself tonight, wearing his Spock ears, with a black belt and brown shoes on and a huge spaghetti sauce stain on his shirt. Stop by and say hello! Just don’t get to close, my breath will probably stink. Or call me! I will probably be staring at the iPhone attached to my hip, just waiting for someone to call! Please call me!
Reader Comments (6)
Your advice was alright except for the last one. Listening to everything a woman says, or suggesting that by listening the guy will score points or whatever.. is way off. I'm not saying ignore everything. It just won't score points unless you're planning on becoming her best pal. You know about best pals right? The guy the woman you like complains to about the current asshole who just made sweet love to her all night long. Yes, the guy that isnt you.
Also, dont wear sneakers on dates. It's lame.. but some decent leather shoes, brown or black. These don't have to be dress shoes but sneakers are immature. The belt matching the shoes is good but also socks should match the shoes.
Mints are awesome and a must. Make sure you have a good haircut that matches your face and style. $14 is not a lot of money for a good haircut. Staying clean-cut is very important regardless of how ugly you are.
Instead of "Listen" learn how to talk.. about interests women have. This includes pop culture (NOT SCIENCE FICTION POP CULTURE) Romance, and projecting the good time shes going to have with you in a passive and subtle way. The man should lead the conversation, not sit there and be the girls emotional pin cushion.
Watch your body language. Use role models like james dean or brad pitt if you can think of no others.. use a mirror and practice your smile, your stance, and taking up space when sitting.
That should be a good start for you.
That is awesome, awesome advice and I appreciate it! I really do root for the underdog. I actually read something here at work about business casual dress and the recommendation forthe color of your socks is not to match the color of the shoe, but to have the sock match the color of pants you are wearing. I started doing it and it really does look good.
That being said I still have zero game and I have a feeling I will never obtain those skills. I have no idea how I even talked to my wife let alone got her to go out on a date with me. It only took me about a year to convince her to go out with me. I think she may have felt sorry for me. I will keep you posted.
I couldn't agree more with the drinks in lieu of dinner. My wife and I were drunk the whole time we were dating. To be honest with you I think that is the only reason she married me. The drunker women are the better men look and sound.
Kudos on this article.
Drinks always trumps dinner. If they get hungry just get them drinks with either extra olives or marchiano cherries in them!
Why bother with details? Ether.
This was a good one. Step 5 had me giggling!
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