The Top Four Halloween Costume Ideas for Next Year
Tuesday, November 3, 2009 at 5:34PM 
It is never too early to start thinking about what you want to be for next Halloween. Telling by how people operate on the most important holiday of the season, it is pretty obvious that people need to start planning really early.
You know who you are! The people that think they can plan a Halloween costume on October 30th, then they head out to the Halloween costume shop and the only thing left is a blonde wig and a slutty nurses’ outfit for women, and a President Obama rubber mask for men.
I hate people that prepare late for a Halloween party. You need to be creative, this should be a time to show everyone else up and potentially gross them out in the process.
Don’t show up with a leather jacket, white t-shirt, jeans and greased hair, you look like a retard. And girls, any Halloween outfit should 100% either show some cleavage or contain a very shirt skirt of some sort. Both of your naughty holes should almost be popping out.
I have what you call a terrible body. I prefer that my costume revolves around my worst features. I think my best Halloween costume was the year that I was a synchronized swimmer.
I put zinc on my nose, wore a rubber swim cap and one of my mom’s old one-piece bathing suits that had a skirt attached. It was perfect. I am what you call, skinny fat, so this outfit was ideal.
As soon as someone asked what I was, I wouldn’t answer, I would only perform lunges in front of them, until they either A: left, grossed out or B: guessed what I was. (100% of the people just left grossed out. I think my ball sack popped up on more than one lung performed.)
Once the boys come out, you know it is a party!!
Okay it is time to start thinking what you want to be for next year. I have to preface this with the thought that most of the ideas on this list come from my retardedly funny friend – Mike Marino. I would be remiss to not give him his due and at least give him a shot out!
Here are the Top four bestest Halloween costume ideas:
4) Bathroom Attendant
Here is the idea with this: You can never, ever come out of character with this one. You show up to the party 45 minutes early and set yourself up in the bathroom. Buy a ton of Aqua Velva, Drakkar Noir, mouthwash, gum, mints, cigarettes and tampons and set everything up on the sink top. You need to wear a tuxedo shirt and bow tie, black jeans and black sneakers (a thin mustache would be ideal too, but that is optional). You should probably have the end of your shirt coming out of your zipper, for full effect on this one.
Bring a stool and a radio and you are good to go. You can never, ever leave the bathroom, for any reason and you must start up awkward conversations about the weather, your latest STD and you are in a Hall and Oates cover band and they are your inspiration in life. (Compliments of Marino, with a few wrinkles from the Waltdog).
3) A Dirty Tampon
This is obviously for women. You dress in an all white outfit, paint your face white and wear a white hat, then dump fake red blood over your head. This is disgustingly funny. You also need to attach a string to your feet that drags behind you. Done and Done!
2) Godzilla
This comes with a preface; this is only for dudes that date someone of Asian decent. Then you coordinate outfits and your Asian girlfriend dresses up as a school girl and you dress up as Godzilla and chase her around the party the whole night.
Three things have to happen here for this to be 100% effective: 1) Your girlfriend needs to stay in character the whole night and scream every time you enter the room. 2) She needs to talk in an Asian accent the whole time, mixing up her r’s and l’s. (“I can’t berieve how Merissa won’t carr me back. I have been waiting by da terephone arr day and she won’t carr or reave a message.” YOU ENTER and this is her reaction “AHHHH! It’s Godzirra!) 3) You need to constantly smoke a cigarette and get as drunk as humanly possible, that way you overact every time you try and be Godzilla.
1) The Goodyear Blimp
This is strictly for fat people who don’t care what people think about themselves. This is the cheapest possible outfit too. It is pretty easy, You wear grey paints, and a grey shirt and write GOODYEAR down the side of your body. For full effect, you could make blimp sounds every time you walk somewhere. That would be awesome.
It is never to early people!
Reader Comments (8)
Nah, man, I'm painting my face like Gene Simmons, wearing a beret, red scarf, and striped shirt and talking with an accent.
French Kiss.
Hell yeah.
Okay, a dirty tampon is just wrong.
And the biggest celeberity to die this year..that always works. Hopefully not Obama...but maybe Obama Bin Landen or Hugh Hefner
I love the Elmo bathroom attendant. Imagine the tips you'll get just for leaving the occupants alone.
I should be the goodyear blimp. Won't even need a costume. Ha Ha Ha
A couple of years ago one of my boys dressed up as a Corny piece of Shit. He wore brown seatpants, a brown sweatshirt and brown wooly, he spraypainted some foam yellow and glued them to his clothes. Every time he talked we would just say "shut up you piece of shit". It was awesome!
I think I like the bathroom attendant best. Unless the "guest" needed to take a dump. That would not be pleasant. And I agree with DK about the tampon. Although it's a funny idea. Just gives me the willies, that's all.
Why does the Fonze mask look like a young GW Bush?