Applying the Fantasy Football Scoring Method to Relationships
Tuesday, November 24, 2009 at 2:20PM 
The Waltdog had a huge fantasy win this past week. My team showed up to play. Every week from here on out is a must win, essentially every game has playoff implications. I have a few phone calls into Jason Witten, for him to get his fantasy head out of his make believe ass. He hasn’t scored a touchdown since week 16 of last year. Freaking pussy! Doesn’t he know my league title hangs in the balance? It is playoff time bitches!
Up next is my buddy Easy-E and his team of slackers. He becomes my enemy this week.
I am the reigning champ our Fantasy Football Keeper League. I have the trophy to prove it. (My name isn’t on it yet, because I am lazy.) That means every team in our league gets up every week to play me. I have the proverbial target on my back.
Everyone wants to knock the king off of his porch.
Our league trophy rivals the Stanley Cup. It has a history all of its own and so many stories attached to it. It was found at the bottom of Lake Erie one year, and covered in baby throw up the next year. It was found in Rossi’s refrigerator for two straight years, next to the cabbage and behind the big jar of Ragu. I think Rossi took a bite out of it too.
The league is revered by many. Not too many people can keep up with the grind of staring at a television set every Sunday, wishing personal injury on your opponents players while cbs.sportline.com automatically updates your score every five seconds. It is exhausting.
You see people; I am a complete freaking dork with a ton of time on my hands.
I am getting bored with fantasy football, that’s what happens when you dominant a league like I have. (He-he, last year was the first year I made the playoff since our league’s inception a decade ago, and my team stinks again this year.)
I think we should turn the premise of fantasy football towards our real lives. We can make it interesting. You can start a league with your friends (and their girlfriends/wives).
You can have a simple scoring method and the “Superbowl” winner gets a free house cleaning or something.
You can tally up the points over the course of a week, and compare with win/losses gathered up over the course of a year. The honor system has to be in effect.
Here is my suggested scoring method for Relationships:
- 4 points (passing touchdown) – A nice balanced home cooked meal. If your honey cooks a home cooked meal, you simply get 4 points. Microwaves and ordering out are your enemies here. Wifesense would rack up the points in this category.She is an awesome cook. We don’t do Thanksgiving at our house, so we are already a meal down here. That could hurt us this week.
- 6 points (rushing touchdown) – Time allotted for yourself, “alone time”. I am not talking potty time, or television time. I am talking about the much needed surfing the web for free porn time. I don’t indulge here, so I would get shut out in this category every week. (Crickets…)
- 6 points (receiving touchdown) – Receiving a Hall Pass – This can be through your spouse or significant others making plans with her girlfriends, or you doing something unexpected around the house and she tells you to go out and hang out with your friends for an evening. If you can possible receive a hall pass and, prior to you getting ready to go out, watch some internet porn, you can amass 12-24 (depending on how much porn you watch) in one night. That is tough to beat. (No pun intended).
- 2 point conversion – You and your wife go out to dinner or lunch and while you are ordering, your wife does not have a conversation about your cholesterol level or how you are fatty-fat lard ass. This can only be coupled with a touchdown, so you better have had some ‘alone’ time before heading to the meal out.
3 point field goal – a Hand job. Enough said.- 4 point field goal (40 plus yards) – a hand job with some sort of lubrication, maybe a nice mango scented lotion of some sort?
- 1 point (every 25 yards passing) – She reaches for the tab. I am not talking she picks up the tab, she just reaches for it. Any attempt at the check is worth one point.
- 1 point (every 10 yards rushing) – She doesn’t call you all day on the phone. If you are with her all day, that counts. If you find yourself down by a ton of points, you can make plans for a get away weekend to make up some ground here.
- 1 points (every 10 yards receiving) – You successfully unhook her bra in less than four attempts. How do women put bras on? My arm doesn’t reach that part on my back?
- Minus – 1 point (fumble lost) – She nags you about anything, and I mean anything.
- Minus – 1 point (Interception) – She catches you during your ‘alone’ time.
Bonus Scoring:
- 3 points (for 300 yards passing) – Your wife/significant other vacuums only during commercials.
- 3 points (100 yards rushing) – She lets you pick the movie.
- 3 points (100 yards receiving) – Sex. I am talking plan and simple sex. We are married with kids. If I don’t find myself, rocking bath and forth in a cold shower, curled up in the fetal position as if I have just been prison raped, I am dead asleep on my son’s floor by 9 o’clock. It is impossible to plan time for couples to hook up after having kids. Even if you do find alone time, the thought of even potentially having more kids is a HUGE deterrent, therefore we abstain from any extracurricular activities in the bedroom.
Wifesense and I are up against Easy E and his beautiful wife this week. We are a three hand job and a home cooked meal underdog. I may have to surprise Wifesense with a long weekend getaway this weekend, I think have an upset in the making here!!!!
Hold on, I think I just found some alone time. I need to make up some ground.
Reader Comments (6)
This is a family website but a BJ is a touchdown with a 2 Pt convervsion.
Awesome scoring system. I like it. I just lost all three of my running backs two weeks ago so I am scrambling for my fantasy football life as well. Losing Brown, Benson, and Turner was not good. Have you heard about a show called "The League"? It is a pretty darn funny show about guys who play Fantasy Football.
Brilliant! I'm a big Fantasy Football guy (my team sucks . . . 4-7. Never should've traded Drew Brees), so this is particularly relevant.
Great job!
"You see people; I am a complete freaking dork with a ton of time on my hands." I'd like to say I couldn't relate, but sadly as a member of the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League, which you should sooooo join next year, I am.
If I may shatter a mystery for you.....
...you hook it in the front and then zing it around 180 degrees, stick your arms in the straps, hoist The Girls skyward, and you are good to go.
To Rambler's Wife now that makes perfect, perfect sense!!! That is exactly how I put my underwear on.