Punching a Friend in Face Dilemma
Wednesday, November 18, 2009 at 1:28PM 
Ah, the age old question: If you could punch one of your friends in the face, who would it be and why?
Wifesense and I went to dinner last Saturday night with pretty much 95% of my friends and their significant others present. I sat at a great table with my BFF Vin Diesel, his wife (Wifesense’s BFF), HamHock Mann, Bunndini and his lovely girlfriend.
This question came up: If you could punch one of your friends in the face, who would it be? Answers were flying out of peoples mouths at a frantic pace. Obviously my friends have thought about this for some time.
Most of the answers were obvious. Bunndini’s girl said she would punch either me or my boy Barry in the face (which is awesome). I agree with Barry as an answer, but I have been punched in the face enough, so I slightly disagree with me as an answer.
We came up with the simple criteria for the question, so people would give an honest answer.
1) You get to punch them with no questions asked and no repercussions. (Meaning even if the person would absolutely be able to pummel your face in, they still get to be in the equation, because they cannot punch you back).
2) It does not lead to an all-out brawl.
Most of my friends and I suffer from the debilitating disease known as “Pussyitis”.
We are so uncoordinated with fighting that we are actually a detriment to ourselves.
I will give you an example. When we were in high school my friend Bunndini got into a fight back in this woods area called the Pines. I wanted to help him win, so I decided to kick the other person in the face, whilst they were rolling around on the ground. I accidently missed and kicked Bunn right in the eye, effectively causing him temporary blindness in one eye for the remainder of the fight. He would have been way better off if Walt wasn’t there.
This has happened to our crew more than once. We are definitely better off not fighting. We are the definition of the word pussies and I don’t think anyone of my friends would even remotely argue with that.
The worst part about that is we don’t really care what other people think about us, so there a quite a few people that have wanted to kill us over the years. All of that being said, we should still be able to take out our aggression on our friends faces; I don’t think this is too much to ask for.
Back to the question: If you could punch one of your friends in the face who would it be and why?
You should really take a step back and take a few things into consideration. This answer for be finite with no further analysis needed.
Here are five things to contemplate when formulating your answer:
5) The friend’s height – You definitely want to be taller than the friend you select. If you are the shortest person in your crew, you should pick the next shortest person. You want to be able to get a clean shot at your friend. Even if you absolutely adore that person, you have to throw feelings out of the window. You don’t want to be like Little Mac in Mike Tyson’s Punch out and jumping up to hit one of your friends. (You would look foolish and the taller friend wouldn’t feel a thing when you jump up to punch him).
You have to go for effect here. You want to fuck your friend up, not give him a love tap.
4) The friend’s weight – When I think of this question, I think to myself – Who could I punch through a wall? Not a brick wall, you have to be realistic here. I am saying a thin dry wall, that maybe was just put up or something. You really want to consider 4 and 5 together. You want the friend you pick to punch in the face to be airborne, like you were in a movie. You also want to avoid a fat friends fat absorbing most of the blow. The fat friend would probably eat your fist anyway, that is why he is fat.
3) Your friends’ smile – You want to consider the friend’s teeth. If the friend has crooked teeth or is missing teeth, eliminate them off the bat. You want someone with a beautiful smile littered with bright white teeth (or the person spent a boatload on getting his teeth fixed). That way when all is said and done, and you wreck your friend’s face and you can hope and pray that you at least knocked one of his/hers pearly whites out (preferably one of his/hers two front teeth). You want to leave your mark on them.
2) Is your friend considered better looking than you? – This should really top your list. This is easy for Walt, he is good-lookingly challenged and all of his friends fall into this category, so all of Walt’s friends are in his pool-for-play here. This may be the first time I can use my ugliness to my advantage! You want to at least scar the person for life. Maybe some stitches or the aforementioned missing teeth come into play here. Either way I would be happy with the outcome.
1) Does your friend talk a lot – I am not saying talking smack. I am saying talking in general. When you are around this person, does it feel like your ears are going to fall off? Have you said under your breath about this person “Man, this dude never shuts the fuck up!”
If so this person should top your list. The reason why? You can completely catch this person off guard and drop him/her mid-sentence. Done and done. As they are in the middle of some story-topping episode you can simple roll your eyes, back up and take a running start at them without them noticing and – KABOOM! Later face!!!
After taking this all into consideration, the Waltdog has formulated his answer. After years of silently observing and studying my friend’s habits and many, many bouts of yoga to figure out who the best candidate is, I have reached my conclusion:
KD come on down, you are the lucky winner my friend!
Here’s a knuckle sandwich with some extra mayo, just as you ordered. I will put some stank on it for you too!!!
Ha-ha. I really hate my friends.
Tomorrow I am going to cover the criteria for selecting a coworker to punch in the face.
Audi 5000 G’s
Reader Comments (12)
I am punching Walt since he forgot that I was sitting directly across from him at dinner Sat night. How could you forget the sputnik sized cranium blocking your view of half the room???
Moose, sorry that i forgot. Sometimes I subconsciously block out the fact that I am in the presence of a terrible conversationalist, I cannot control it....
I would have to bring back Achoa for one last time. I would take him to the 18th green at Turtle Creek and punch his lights out. He would fly awkwardly into the water as if you threw him with your opposite hand. I would also have ZERO guilt. Take that rich kid....
Outside of punching Walt for obvious reasons, I to would punch Achoa. That's you Alex! I know you read this blog to keep on your stalking. Everytime I have to type an extra security code on my ATM card I curse the day he started following us around.
I'd never thought about punching one of my friends in the face, probably because, like you, I'm more of a lover than a fighter (aka, a pussy). But now that you've brought it up, I'm going to give it a lot of thought. It could be fun, and some of my friends deserve it.
KD has been punched in the face by his wife, myself and many a girlfriend. Bunn Bunn Bunn Bunn SuperBunnnnnn! I am awesome.
I currently have no friends and, therefore, have no answer to your question.
However, I DO have an ad on Craigslist, so I'm hopeful I can get something out of that. If so, I'll let you know.
Keep your fingers crossed!
Looks like we have another imposter trying to be Bunndini... It's normal for people to want to be me. I am used to it. Mark Gay get busy on your investigative work and expose this fraud...
Yours Truly,
Often Imitated
does your spouse count as a "friend"???? might be nice to get a free punch in there!!! LOLOL
It would definitely be my friend Brian. He's twice as round as me yet twice as slow. Advantage for dodging return punch to face!
I have a friend who punched another, taller, portly friend square in the balls outside a bar a few years ago for no apparent reason. I recall he fell into a puddle littered with cigarette butts and exclaimed "he got me good!"
Bunn loved Achoa, Bunn always ordered the same thing as him whenever we ordered food. It was classic Bunn wanting to be Alex.