I didn’t know what was wrong with me; I have been feeling somewhat broken and disheveled for quite some time now and I didn’t know what was wrong with me.   I searched for the answer and I found it:  My ass was the problem, it was broken.

I was looking to get a new ass because mine had a crack in it (zing)! (How stupid is that joke?  I love it!)

We did a blog a while back pertaining to my bathroom habits and someone from bathroomsprayers.com reached out to us and sent me one their products. 

If you give two shits (he-he) about yourself, you’ll head out and get this product. 

I finally got around to hooking it up and my life will change drastically from it.  I love their motto “A sprayed behind is a clean behind!  Be clean, be green and save green at the same time.”

It was so easy to hook up and I have already seen the benefits from it.  I woke up this morning and used it for the first time.  The water was a little cold and I don’t have the best of aim with it yet, so I accidently sprayed my balls with it. 

I screamed like a little school girl but I felt magical at the same time.  I was actual awake before I got in the shower.  I did not drop the soap once causing me to avoid banging my head and I did not drool tooth paste all over myself.  The cold water on my nut sack finally woke me up!    

I imagine this is the same sensation that the polar bear club gets from diving into the Atlantic Ocean in January. 

My henie is thoroughly clean too.  Seriously, it was the cleanest I have ever felt after going number two.  I almost wanted to pack this up and carry to work with me for my after lunch visit to the laboratory.  I have been skipping around this joint all day. 

I am going to save a boat load of money with not having to buy toilet paper, baby wipes, etc.  Even though we buy that stuff in bulk, we won’t have to worry about it anymore.  We can take our garage back now too.  I think the last time we went to BJ’s we bought 2,048 rolls of toilet paper and 1,032 wipes for like 48 bucks.  We had to make four trips to get the stuff home. 

You know what really chaps my ass?  Cold weather and angry midgets, but that is a story for another day. 

Listen, the possibilities for coming up with a motto for this type of company is endless.

I was thinking they could go in the route of Dingleberry Exterminator; we have been dingleberry free since 1987.  Or something along these lines:  Riding the world of shit stains, one ass crack at a time.  You get the idea. 

Listen I have been complaining about all of the dingleberries and shit stains in this world, since I could talk.  We shouldn’t have to put up with them.  Well our problems could be solved.  You simply need to point the bathroom sprayer at these shit stains and watch them disappear.  You won’t have to put up with their shit anymore. 

We talked to the guy who pimps this product out.  He gave a simple pitch for his product, and it couldn’t ring truer:  If you were barefoot and stepped in dog shit, you wouldn’t just wipe the shit off of your foot you would wash it off, right?  So why treat your own shit covered ass the same way?”

I was sold; hook-line and sinker!

The Europeans (you’re a peeing, a lot lately) are so far ahead of us that it isn’t funny.

They take long holidays and they don’t bother with work, they drink their asses off and they have bidets.  They live the life we should all strive to live. 

I am not sure why, but the ass washing technique never caught on in America and it should. 

Barack Obama should make owning one of these mandatory.  Skid marks on the Hersey highway would become extinct, in our lifetime.  Who would have thought that?  I actually did some research and at least 72% of America’s involved in an accident are not wearing clean underwear.  With anything else that would be considered an epidemic.  This would at least help with that.      

Writing this article was my destiny.  My life is complete.  It was the most enjoyable re-read I have ever had. 

Hold on!  I need to head home and get my ass sprayer; some shit stain just asked me a stupid question at work.