The Top Five Best Jobs to Have in the Whole Wide World
Friday, October 23, 2009 at 2:14PM 
The Waltdog, like 98.7% of the adult population out there, absolutely hates to work. I have had countless jobs over the years, each one worse than the next.
The worst job I ever had was at a factory in North Philadelphia that was responsible for supplying mannequin stands to the world. I had no idea the extent of what went into building a mannequin stand, but it is a shitload of work, with very minimal pay.
I am assuming it was the equivalent of working in a sweat shop, literally. It was about 124 degrees in this factory, everyday.
I worked there with two of my friends, Danny A. and Johnny Mugs. Danny lasted about three weeks, I lasted about the same. Somehow, the worst worker I know - Johnny Mugs, lasted the whole summer.
We did crack up a ton there though. I accidentally almost killed this Asian Guy – Tran. He came to work with a gallon of water everyday. I put a gallon of clear turpentine down next to his gallon of water and he drank the turpentine instead of his water.
He instantly threw up all over the place. I really didn’t feel too bad about this though. How could he NOT smell the turpentine? Seriously, that stuff melts every snot in your head when you smell it. It stings the nostrils.
He must have been immune to that smell. Pour little Tran.
On our first day, Danny and I were also put at this station where we were to use these Air Hammers that were attached to air hoses in the ceiling and we had to hammer the rubber siding into the top piece of the mannequin stands. The guy in-charge gave us a debriefing and told us that this was the most important job at the plant.
Why this guy considered us for this station makes no sense to me, we were still in high school and the two of us are borderline retarded. Then I looked around the factory and realized that we were probably the only two people in that joint that were not out on a Prison Furlough.
We got to work and it was really hot and really boring, so Danny and I created a game. We raced around the stand, furiously hammering the rubber siding on. Whoever finished last had to clean up all of the paint chips on the other person stand with a little paint brush and white paint, it was very tedious.
The stands were bright white, but the chips were wood colored brown. So they were really noticeable, hence this being the most important job in the factory.
At the end of our first day Danny and I had approximately 30 stands complete. It was a factory record. The in-charge was amazed. He told us that they roughly get about 4-5 stands complete a day. We shattered that.
I also creamed Danny at our little game. I think he had to fix about 12 of my tables, while I only had to do 3 of his.
We were so happy. We got back the next day to find out that all 30 of the stands had to be trashed because we chipped them so bad. We were not allowed to work together there ever again. That was the beginning of the end for me. Then my ice tea container literally melted and stuck to the metal table I was working on. I had nothing to drink but the clear turpentine that Tran was trying to feed me.
If I saw Tran today, I think he would throw gasoline on me and light me on fire, as would half of the neighborhood I grew up in.
The best job I ever had was at the movie theater. My brother Dan-o was my boss. He always hooked me up. I never once had to work the concession stand. My job was strictly ripping the tickets, then cleaning up the movie theaters after the movies let out.
The great part about this job was all of the movies essentially started at the same time, so there was nothing for me to do for an hour and half, so I got to watch all of the movies that were playing.
I saw JFK about 48 times. I also saw the first Batman around 87 times. The downfall of this job; I had to work weekends. That was the worst, especially when you are in high school. That is party time. I used to be so fired up having to work that I would tell every person whose ticket I ripped the ending of their respective movie. If my night was ruined, so was theirs!
I lasted pretty long at the movie theater. I think I worked there for almost six months which is like 48 years in teenage years. That was an easy record back then.
I digress though.
I stumbled upon a news story the other day about a Denver alternative newspaper recently posting an ad for what some consider the sweetest job in journalism — a reviewer of the state's marijuana dispensaries and their products.
The Denver paper, Westword, has already has gotten more than 120 applicants, many of them offering to do the reviews for free. When the newspaper settles on a permanent critic for its new "Mile Highs and Lows" column, industry watchers say, it will be the first professional newspaper critic of medical marijuana in the country. (That is a great title for the column.)
There's one condition: The critic has to have a medical ailment that allows them to legally enter a dispensary, and buy and use marijuana.
What an awesome job. I am not condoning the use of an illegal substance, but how awesome would it be to land this gig? It has to be one of the best jobs ever right?
It got me to thinking, what are the best jobs in the world. Here are the Waltdog’s Top Five Jobs to have in the world.
5) Government Workers
Like everyone else in the United States, at one time or another, I have had to deal with governments workers and it is painful. They are slow, disorganized and don’t care. You know why? Government Workers never get fired. I never hear of them getting laid off either, they would actually create more jobs, to hide their overwhelming deficiencies than to re-evaluate the current workforce. (I am not talking about working for a politician, who has to be re-elected).
The government workers can do what ever they want, with zero consequences. Then can chat for hours on their cell phones, or surf the internet, while 4,000 people are on hold, or 6,000 people are waiting in line. They don’t care. The also get phat-ass pensions too. This is my kind of environment. I would be doing the same shit, so I never get fired up when I deal with government workers, if I did, it would only be out of pure jealousy.
4) Life Guard
You work with chicks in bathing suits and you sit on your butt all day. I am allergic to the sun, but that wouldn’t stop me for applying to this gig. If this job made over 40 grand a year, it would be the most competitive field in the world. You don’t have to do shit, except for save a fat kid from drowning every once in a while. That is awesome.
3) Horse Trainer
I don’t even know what these guys do, but they get to use the best lingo in the world. “Why the long face?” “Hey is for horses!” and “Our jockey had a tough day at the office yesterday, his ass took a pounding.” And you can say each of those and actually mean it.
2) Hammock Tester
I don’t even know if this is a real job. But Walt loves hammocks. If there is an opening for a hammock tester or hammock reviewer, I would be best suited for it. I am pretty fat and I am extremely lazy, so this job is right up my alley.
1) Playboy Photographer
You get to see naked chicks all day long and you get paid a boatload for it. Does it really get any better than that?
Reader Comments (9)
This is great I agree with you on this. Thats to bad about Tran though, he made it through the turpentine episode alright I hope.
Forex Trading
Playboy photo is indeed number one. This months cover girl is of course dating the dude who took the pics. Brewery master is also another one... and fluff giirls...for the ladies...
Mannequin stand supplier? Sounds glamorous.
I would think Walt's dream job would be head tester at a dildo factory.
Just wanted to say thanks for the comment on my blog!
And I'm trying to find a little follow me clicky on this here page and either I'm truly defective or you don't have one...
hi nice sharing...
Wine taster could be number 2 job after playboy photographer.
web designer
To the Sizzler,
I was considering that job for my top five, but I don't have any feeling in the bottom part of my jaw, so that job would be no fun for me. Pre-jaw surgery head tester at a dildo factory would have been number one on my list, hands down!!!
Or maybe I could be a butt plug tester? That way I could kill two birds with one stone, I could get the nickname butt plug and find the bestest job in the whole wide world.
Yours Truly,
Butt Plug Haley
I love the pic of Horse Trainer amazing pics love them great site will visit soon thanks for sharing,,